Tom Cruise Is A Great Actor, Parts III-V

•MAGNOLIA PRE-MELTDOWN FORESHADOWS OPRAH COUCH BOUNCING
•"I Will Not Apologize For What I Want, I Will Not Apologize For Who I am, I Will Not Apologize For What I Need, And I Will Not Apologize For This Totally Gay Hair Either"
•MOTIVATIONAL SPEAKER GOES ALL ALAN ALDA TO GET INTO M'LADIES PANTSUITS BUT GOOD
•By switters™

(Tom Cruise Is A Great Actor, Parts III-V)

Meet Frank "TJ" Mackey, babe hound and sometime misogynist, and damn proud of it. Frank is here to help you with your alleged love life by teaching you to fake being a caring and sensitive man. And he's damn good at it. Follow religiously his 48 step program, "From Fucktease to Foreplay: Getting Her In The Mood And Out Of Those Panties", and before you can say, "Respect the cock, tame the cunt," she'll be putty in your hands, literally.

Turns out Frank's got a tiny little… secret (too). Turns out Frank's not just 1 semester shy of a Master's Degree in Psychology from UC Berkeley. Turns out his mother isn't alive. Turns out his dad is, but dying. Turns out his entire life has been a long (or short – depends how you look at the film's thesis statement), grueling, miserably trudging pilgrimage as a caregiver to one parent while having been abandoned by another, only to be taken in by the neighbor lady.

But here's the thing: We find out all this while Frank is being interviewed by a very attractive African-American gal who's doing a piece on him for what has to be something analogous to The E! Channel or something.

But let's back up just about 15 minutes or so. This scene opens with Frank in his tightie-blackies doing some sort of Chip&Dales routine for the aforementioned lady person (well, for the camera actually, where the camera is a mirror). Really hamming up the bulge in his BVDs. He begrudgingly gets re-dressed and oh-so-carefully redoes his affectatious ponytail. Then the interviewer gradually takes him on a brief journey the destination of which is that his whole life has been a huge big giant lie.

Tom Cruise nails it. It's indescribably devastating to watch Frank's reaction as his secret is revealed: to him, to her, and soon, to the whole world (at least the Access Hollywood crowd, me amongst them). It's nothing short of Class I, A-list, brilliant acting. Sorry, but it is. And, that's right, it's Tom Cruise. It's cruel, crushing, belligerent, intrusive, unapologetic, ubiquitous, ironic. Devastating. It's the overarching moment of the film about who nobody really is. How you can never really know who you are yourself until you see your reflection in (only-)you-know-who's eyes. (The one that got away, probably.) The bottom. The abyss. The chasm. Utter uninterrupted darkness. Misery in pictures. Oops.

And that's when I burst out laughing. Because I realized that when The Tominator was doing his little R-rated jig for the charming negress, all you had to do was flash forward 7 years and picture him jumping up and down on Oprah's love seat saying how indescribably happy he was.

Ouch. Last year, for better or worse, Tom Cruise turned into a bubble gum version of Frank "TC" Mackey. And I think you'll all agree that it certainly wasn't pretty. Which is one main reason why I like movies so much more than reality a lot of the time. Movies are simply that much more believable. And that includes reality TV. (And game shows.)

Think about it: How painful is it to try to convince yourself to believe in reality when you take a couple moments and really consider what the fuck is actually going on? The truth doesn't hurt all the time. But it does sob in excruciating pain a lot.
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Coming soon? "Tom Cruise Is A Great Actor, Part VI"

•COLLATERAL DAMAGE BLOWDRIES THE HAIR THAT COMBED HOLLYWOOD
•Casting Against Type Types Against Caste
•I DON'T KNOW WHAT ANY OF THAT MEANS
•By Tom_Robbins™