Friday, February 23, 2007

Britney's 24 Hour Rockin' Rehab Regimen

Singer/Actor/Dancer/Whore Solves Cokehead Conundrum
•Purported To Tackle Iraq War Problem Next
Whitehouse: "I Suppose We Could Do Worse Because Well We Have"
CNN LEADS WITH ANNA NICOLE SMITH BURIAL LOCATION DISPUTE
DARWIN IS LAUGHING AT US, ENJOYING HELL

Don't look now, but it looks like, oops, she may or may not have done it again, the "it" being abusing drugs and alcohol, of course. Because word on the street is that the life of a celebrity isn't all fun and games like we've been led to believe. My question: "Hey, Brit: What's it like to be your own kids' very worst role model ever? Again."

I wouldn't worry too much about our plucky heroin(e); she's got plenty o'that little thing we call determination and drive. Because sources close to the "down home diva" reveal that sobriety is only a daytrip away. With her stunning publicity stunt of replacing her fame for being a mediocre singer whom people want to fuck with being famous for being fucked up, I'm beginning to wonder if Anna's attempt at being famous for being dead might not be the ultimate personal sacrifice when it comes to celebrity status. Remember, folks: It's all about priorities.

So, how'd she do it? Easy. Just follow her 38 Step (More or Less) Program To A Fatter Balder You, and quicker than your career hits the skids if not the skid marks and you're blowing some guy for a cheeseburger out behind the 7-Eleven, you'll be relapsing yourself all the way into the hearts and minds of Americans, young and old alike.

What's her secret? Let's find out.

11:20ish AM, Awake from tequila-induced coma
11:23 AM, Chase 5 percosets with 42 ounce Jolt™
11:24 AM-12:43 PM, Look for kids
12:44 PM, Find them
12:45 PM-1:53 PM, Dress Sean Preston Marilyn Manson-y and Jayden James Rio de Janeiro hustler-esque
1:45 PM-2:54 PM, Put face on, literally
2:55 PM-2:57 PM, Look for car seat
2:58 PM-3:12 PM, Abandon search and hang kids in car by collars on that dry cleaning hanger hook thingie
3:13 PM-3:22 PM, Lost in daze staring at kids swinging back and forth like last tour's gigantic Starlight Express-based floor show
3:23 PM, Come to
3:24 PM-3:35 PM, Uncontrollable sobbing
3:36 PM-3:58 PM, Try to start car with Jewish Cabal Commemorative Toe Ring
3:59 PM, Decide to start car with key
4:01 PM, Car starts, Score!
4:15 PM, Drop kids off at daycare
4:16 PM-6:20 PM, Head over to Frederic Fekkai for root touchup, highlights, and artistic merit removal
6:21 PM-6:23 PM, Lunch (well, dinner actually, sugar; bless your heart): 23 Krispy Kreme™ doughnuts, 1/2 bottle prescription cough syrup
6:24 PM-6:25 PM, Fuck it, pound rest of cough syrup
6:26 PM-6:37 PM, Giggling, incoherent babbling, &c., and whatnot because realizing accidentally dropped kids off at dry cleaners
6:38 PM, Decide to head back to dry cleaners to retrieve kids
6:55 PM, Retrieve kids at dry cleaners, hope they're yours
6:56 PM-7:02, Quality time in car
7:03 PM, Drop kids off at K Fed's, "Uh, like, yeah!"
7:04 PM-8:12 PM, Daydreaming about wallpaper while driving around aimlessly
8:13 PM-8:27 PM, Inadvertently invent new game called "4-Way Stop Chicken" with paparazzi
8:28 PM-8:34 PM, Shave head again for whatever reason
8:35 PM-8:37 PM, 3 deep hits on your "Jesus Saves!" bong with Lance Bass, girl talk
8:48 PM-10:56 PM, Best 2 out of 3 Blindfolded Dart Tournament with Jessica Simpson's face on the board
10:59 PM-11:43 PM, Emergency Room waiting area guessing which patients probably just have genital crab lice
12:25 AM-12:35 AM, Promises™ check in
12:36 AM-12:39 AM, Group meeting in which you ask God for the serenity to accept the things you cannot change, the courage to change the things you can, and the wisdom to know the difference between safe sex and kinda sorta safe sex, and the difference between Justin Timberlake's last 3 records
12:40 AM Rehab complete
12:41 AM-4:45 AM, Hot guy recon at The Viper Room
4:46 AM, Kicked out of The Viper Room for either being too slutty or for a tasteless karaoke version of School House Rock's "Three Is The Magic Number" or for starting a brawl with Avril Lavigne over Nick Lachey, jury's still out (11 hurt)
4:59 AM, Pick up kids at K Fed's, they look familiar, good
5:10 AM, Swing by Taco Bell for Nachos Bel Grande so you have something to puke up later
5:15 AM-7:30 AM, Tequila "shoot out" with Tara Reid back at the house
7:31 AM-11:19ish AM, ???
11:20ish AM, Awake from…

Repeat if/when necessary.

11 comments:

twiffer said...

i want a jesus saves! bong.

Schadenfreude said...

Re: ghost and Gregor on science.

You have to admit it's a noble enterprise.

I think that's Britney's baby in the pictures. Looks just like the mother.

SwingLowSweetDeej said...

Schad, you were banned from teh Fray? What did you do, say Canada rules too many times?

Schadenfreude said...

I used capital letters in a subject line.

SwingLowSweetDeej said...

Brother...

Schadenfreude said...

Twice.

topazz said...

the thing is, most of you haven't experienced what REALLY happens when you get a Freditor reply on the fray that says: "We need to Talk. Frayeditor@Slate.com"

You don't want to know, trust me.

Claude Scales said...

10:59 PM-11:43 PM, Emergency Room waiting area guessing which patients probably just have genital crab lice

Just after getting out of the Army, I visited a law school friend in California. My first morning at his place, the phone rang while we were having breakfast. I had to listen to: "Hello ... Hi! Haven't heard from you for a while. How's things? ... Oh! Uh, are you sure it was me? ... Oh. OK, I'll get it checked out." He hung up the phone and said, "You, uh, didn't use the same towel I did, I hope."

That evening we went to the Kaiser Permanente Medical Center, and found about 300 people, most of them women, and most of those holding squalling infants or squirming toddlers, in the waiting area. My friend was forced to confess his probable infestation to a very pretty young nurse who was handling triage. She looked at her list and said he was something like number 323, but that he might be taken out of turn "if the doctor thinks it's sufficiently serious." I mentally kicked myself for not bringing reading material. We had barely managed to find two vacant seats and settle down when the nurse was back at the intake desk, calling my friend's name. Ten minutes later he was back. "Uh-huh, I got 'em."

Apparently, just having crabs isn't taken lightly in medical circles, at least on the West Coast.

gnrrtyt: Great Northern Rail Road, through your town.

Archaeopteryx said...

Fun Fact! The guy who wrote Three is a Magic Number is from Arkansas!

SouthernGal said...

Poor poor Briteny, how it must suck having all of those millions and trying to figure out how to flush it down the toilet. However, she does seem to be doing a very good job of it.xqqezdke

TenaciousK said...

Well, we've got Ron Howard, Curt Russell and Jodi Foster on the one hand, and then we've got a whole host of drug addicted, dysfunctional has-beens and RIP's on the other hand. Looking only at child music stars, we have Michael Jackson. Perhaps the best adjusted: Donny Osmond - a pretty grim poster boy for grownup child stars.

You could see the Britney debacle coming a decade away. I wonder if she has any insight at all into what was stolen from her.

And now she's hanging out with Paris Hilton, and the salon that shaved her head is auctioning off her fucking hair. How can you not feel sorry for this emotionally crippled little girl?

And sorrier for her kids?

Perhaps k-fed will get custody (something about frying pans and fires seems appropriate).