Wednesday, February 07, 2007

Idol Hands Are The Devil's Interval

•They Start To Sing And The Judges Will Hurl
By Tom (&Marty)_Robbins

(Tuesday Night)

Some highlights:

-Seriously, guys. That's really willfully rude and cruel. Have Paula get out her crayons and glitter, hand her some poster board and glue, and have her struggle for 45 minutes while she figures out the most tactful way to address the whole "door issue". Then watch her struggle additionally with the spelling.

This iS dore lockeded now :>( pLeeze user othern of it them soory o(: THNX!!! ;<)
-Did I ever tell y'all that I have such a good ear that I can mangle our National Anthem by crudely modulating no fewer than 9 times to different keys yet still manage to land in the exact same key in which I actually started? The trick is, however, that I'm doing it on purpose. But I did like his bit when he tried to save his street cred by pretending to badmouth the judges as he exited. Our judges were equally amused. Nice to see Simon's got more than radiator fluid coursing through his veins, at least for 85 seconds out of the day.

-Turns out the mayor of Houston is, in addition to being really stupid, completely tone deaf and retarded.

-The horse farm girl was ridiculously appealing on every level. She's 16? She comported herself better in 6 minutes than Paula has in 6 years. Of course, so have all those Coca-Cola product placement riffs, so consider the source, as it were. Sorry, kids, but Simon's right, again: Pop music can be summed up in 1 word: marketing, marketing, marketing. Britney needs to fire her P.R. bitch like 2 weeks ago.

-That's the first callback I've seen in Idol history. Too bad she won't last a week in Hollywood. Gorgeous gal, but Paula and Randy's flipflopping at the whim of Simon really is starting to look like mannered backbonelessness.

-After the crazed ugly kid with facial hair management problems tries to tear the judges a collective "new one", Seacrest, without missing a beat, asks, "But you still like me, right?" This is one of the reasons why Ryan is slowly yet surely building one of the most powerful media franchises in recent memory in L.A.

-"What do you do, Randy? What do you do, man?" Uhh… He's got a point, dude. All I ever see you do is sit there like a sweaty stack of pancakes.

-"You're like a little Ruben, aren't you?" Hmm… They all look alike to you, too, Simon?

So, to sum up: Yeah, if Idol is going to continue to learn from its mistakes, it's going to have to condense the audition process into like 2 2-hour shows, because it's getting old real quick. Speaking of which, these people are complete pussies. Have you ever been to an audition at a reputable music conservatory? You wanna talk brutal and cruel? Your basic audition at The Juilliard School makes the American Idol regional tryouts look like a single mother's support group. Grow up, talentless wannabes!


Schadenfreude said...

A new appreciation for Frank Sinatra: no screwing around - just sing the fucking song and get off the stage.

rundeep said...

Man, it was sort of dull, no? 16 year-old girl will not win AI, but will win.

Pretty call-back girl will not make it out of Hollywood for sure. Little Ruben will make it to final 12 and then get cut.

Is it just me, or was Simon the polite one last night? Randy was pretty rudely laughing into his desk when the "gospel woman" and her "Crisco" (all the fat's in the can") jiggled in. The shot from the back let us know she was wearing a thong no less. Honey: let me introduce you to support!

As for Julliard, et al, well sure. But from what I've heard about such things, the candidates are more realistic and less purely deluded. So the criticism, though it's harsh, is less "mean." I'll stop making sense now.

switters said...

Hi, Schadenfreude!
That's precisely why Billie Holiday is a terrible singer. Oh, hey, rundeep! [ducks]

But for Frank you have to listen only to the recordings with Basie, mostly. Frank knew exactly how to, how should I say it?, get out of the way of a song. Basie had genius arrangers, so all Frank had to do was show up and sing the tune and get the words right. (Shut up, y'all. He didn't start changing words to songs until he was already a has been.)

Hi, rundeep!
I might boycott the show 'till they go "to California where the girls out there have love in their heart and flowers in their hair… said, Hey, boy, do you wanna score? And you know how it is. I really don't know what time it was, woh, oh, oh so I asked them if I could stay awhile…"


Anyways, agreed, then agreed, and agreed.

As far as meanness, I should've clarified. Not that I'm speaking from any sort of experience, mind you [chortle], but consider this: kids with no talent + 3 idiotic douche bags picking on them = a certain meanness factor; then take 3 kids with enormous talent + Roger Sessions/Elliot Carter/Vincent Persichetti = a certain meanness factor, though one even meaner than our beloved judges. Our beloved judges are only so mean by virtue of our beloved singers who are so unself-aware that there's a fairly good chance they're actually dead. Our beloved composers up there, in order to be even meaner than our beloved judges (I've heard [chortle]), have to kick it up a notch by virtue of our beloved composition students' horribly oversensitive self-awareness.

I.e., ouch!

twiffer said...

swits: i have questions regarding MI3.

switters said...

Fire away, twif.

But keep in mind that I've only seen it once. And I was stoned.

But I thought it was really really really good. Best MI movie yet. Ever.

rundeep said...

BTW, I agree vis a vis Billie Holiday. I'm more of a Nina Simone fan. As for Frank, meh, though I agree younger Frank less irritating and more musicianly than older more arrogant Frank.

As for the rest, I'm gonna have to go with you because a) I have no relevant experience and b) I have only the faintest clue about what the hell you mean. Smooch.

Hate word verification. Hate it. Hate it.

twiffer said...

swits: more issues, i suppose, than questions. for instance (oh, spoiler alert), why didn't the crazy bad guy actually kill his fiancee? no reason not to, particularly as they would have to kill tom anyway. also, if you are going to develop a little implantable brain bomb, why design it to go off 5 minutes after you push the button? that just seems stupid.

enlighten me. please.