Idol Hands Are The Devil's Interval

•INADVERTENT TRITONE AT REGIONAL AUDITIONS: 9 KILLED
•OUT IN THE WEST TEXAS TOWN OF EL PASO
•They Start To Sing And The Judges Will Hurl
•I KNOW, IT WAS SAN ANTONIO, BUT I LOVE THAT SONG
•By Tom (&Marty)_Robbins™

(Tuesday Night)

Some highlights:

-Seriously, guys. That's really willfully rude and cruel. Have Paula get out her crayons and glitter, hand her some poster board and glue, and have her struggle for 45 minutes while she figures out the most tactful way to address the whole "door issue". Then watch her struggle additionally with the spelling.

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-Did I ever tell y'all that I have such a good ear that I can mangle our National Anthem by crudely modulating no fewer than 9 times to different keys yet still manage to land in the exact same key in which I actually started? The trick is, however, that I'm doing it on purpose. But I did like his bit when he tried to save his street cred by pretending to badmouth the judges as he exited. Our judges were equally amused. Nice to see Simon's got more than radiator fluid coursing through his veins, at least for 85 seconds out of the day.

-Turns out the mayor of Houston is, in addition to being really stupid, completely tone deaf and retarded.

-The horse farm girl was ridiculously appealing on every level. She's 16? She comported herself better in 6 minutes than Paula has in 6 years. Of course, so have all those Coca-Cola product placement riffs, so consider the source, as it were. Sorry, kids, but Simon's right, again: Pop music can be summed up in 1 word: marketing, marketing, marketing. Britney needs to fire her P.R. bitch like 2 weeks ago.

-That's the first callback I've seen in Idol history. Too bad she won't last a week in Hollywood. Gorgeous gal, but Paula and Randy's flipflopping at the whim of Simon really is starting to look like mannered backbonelessness.

-After the crazed ugly kid with facial hair management problems tries to tear the judges a collective "new one", Seacrest, without missing a beat, asks, "But you still like me, right?" This is one of the reasons why Ryan is slowly yet surely building one of the most powerful media franchises in recent memory in L.A.

-"What do you do, Randy? What do you do, man?" Uhh… He's got a point, dude. All I ever see you do is sit there like a sweaty stack of pancakes.

-"You're like a little Ruben, aren't you?" Hmm… They all look alike to you, too, Simon?

So, to sum up: Yeah, if Idol is going to continue to learn from its mistakes, it's going to have to condense the audition process into like 2 2-hour shows, because it's getting old real quick. Speaking of which, these people are complete pussies. Have you ever been to an audition at a reputable music conservatory? You wanna talk brutal and cruel? Your basic audition at The Juilliard School makes the American Idol regional tryouts look like a single mother's support group. Grow up, talentless wannabes!