Today's Headlines

American Citizens Vote With Boots, Kill Promising Female Officer
President Aids And Abets In Death Of Future Marine 1 Pilot Simply By Virtue Of His Being An Insane Retard
IRONY METER PEGS OUT AT "BITTER" LEVEL
Pentagon Study Concludes Most Efficient Way To Erode Civilization Is To Send Those In 99.9th Percentile Off To Wrong Country To Be Killed In Civil War We Shouldn't Even Be In
And Darwin Wept
(Jennifer Harris. Captain. 28ish. Smart. Dedicated. Fit. Natural leader. Annapolis grad. Marine. Her job, as a helicopter pilot, was to evacuate wounded out of harm's way. She served 3 tours. She was one week away from returning home to Massachusetts. Now she's dead. Oh well. It's not like she would've amounted to anything anyway.)

=
Legislative Branch Debates Something That Doesn't Bind While Entire South Asks, "Where Are My Katrina Entitlements?"
Congress Pats Self On Back With 14% Percent Raise, Lower Co-Pays
SERIOUSLY WHAT ARE Y'ALL DOING?
Knock Knock, Who's There? House/Senate, House/Senate Who? Exactly
Jesus Returns to Earth 2nd Time, Escapes Notice
=
Pentagon Study Concludes Helicopter Mechanical Malfunction Caused Last Week's 11 Deaths
Pentagon Study Concludes Helicopter Mechanical Malfunction Caused By Being Hit By Enemy Rocket From Shoulder Mounted Launcher
PENTAGON STRUGGLES TO GET STORIES STRAIGHT AGAIN
Again?
Even After A Whole Week
=
Pentagon Study Concludes Iraq War Requires Another Roughly Estimated $86,906,755,032,664.91, Another Roughly Estimated 3,000 Deaths
China Offers No Interest For 24 Months*
USA MISSES 3 PAYMENTS
India Repos California, New York, Florida, Wisconsin (It's The Cheese)
President Cries, "Usury! Yellow Devils! Chinks!"
=
Fray Breaks Again
Dozens Shocked
RUMOR LOCAL HAM RESIDENT TO START OWN BLOG
[cricket chirp]
Dozens Snore





*after which a corresponding interest rate of 29.99% percent is applied to the balance of the loan at which time all late payments are applied not to the principal but to the interest accrued during period of late payment's payment or 39.99%, whichever is greater