Sunday, February 25, 2007

Rudie's Rants: Snow Turns People Into Assholes

Snow, ever since Rudie came of age, is not to be looked forward to. It does not make the winter magical. It does not fill the imagination with visions of sugarplums or fairies or the weird dancing for which they've become ostensibly known. It is, at its very best, an annoyance, and at it's very worst, a signal from a pissed off deity who's making his distaste for the automobile felt.

It does snow here. Oh, not as much as in the northern midwest, or in Buffalo, but it has been known to snow. As bad as it is that people seem to forget how to drive in the stuff by spring thaw, what has happened here is unprecedented:

The threat of snow has turned people into total fuckwits.

Now Rudie realizes that it's probably been a while since you took your driver's exam, lord knows many of you could probably stand to take it again. But here are a few common sense questions.

At a 4-way stop, under the threat of impending snowfall, do you:

A) Pick your nose.
B) Wait your fucking turn.
C) Floor it through the intersection while the person whose turn it actually is hits the accelerator.

Too hard? While a good nose pick is always a good answer to any multiple choice question, it isn't A. No, apparently the answer is C.

When snow isn't to fall for another 6 hours, do you:

A) Pick your nose.
B) Take your time at the grocery store.
C) Scramble around like a crazy person with a scowl on your face at the grocery store as though you are in full survivalist mode and a little pissy about it, get all of your groceries into your SUV, and nearly run down 7 pedestrians on your way out like you just robbed the place.

Still too hard? Well, the nose pick would be less dangerous than the right answer, which happens to be C, yet again.

When inclement weather conditions are likely to occur, which of the following statements is most true.

A) Picking your nose makes you feel better.
B) Taking one's time and observing the rules of the road will make for a better experience.
C) GAAAAHHHHH! Get outta my way! We're going to be snowed in for years and I'm out of air freshener and Tic-Tacs! What the fuck? Don't you know you're allowed to drive around like a decapitated chicken or a toddler with a full diaper when snow's coming?!? What the hell is wrong with you people?! 20 points for the pedestrian with a walker! VRRRRRRRMMMMM!

While A is definitely true, it is not exclusive to the threat of inclement weather. No, apparently the answer is C, once more.

Apparently, the threat of snow is a source of panic for some people, and they own motor vehicles. This is both dangerous and pathetic.


impeach bush said...

hehehe. in december of 96, we got a dump of about 3 feet in 4 days, when there was already 2 feet of the white stuff accumulated. (this is a picture of my hubby the second or third day, i can see that he's shoveling a path through what's already been shoveled.)

it was enough to shut down the city. the mayor called for "emergency traffic only."

to montanans, that meant hospital trips or stepping into the cross-country skis for a trip to the hardware store for toilet paper, batteries, or candles.

to outta-staters, it meant gassing up the hummer for a trip to blockbusters, and hitting the liquor stores.


Keifus said...

Up here in the northeast, where it does commonly snow, though rarely in as epic a proportion as advertised, it's every bit as retarded.

Snow ain't gonna do worse than a day or two of power outage (and that's unlikely enough) and make me work outside. I think there's a water jug or two around in the highly unlikely event the pipes freeze and I'm stuck in for a week. But the equipment for plowing the roads usually works OK, and gets the job done by the end of the day.

Stocking up on liquor and videos seems 100% appropriate.


twiffer said...

please don't get me started. i had to creep along the fucking beltway at 10 mph because of flurries on sunday.

note to idiots on the road: in the event the road is actually slippery, slamming on your brakes is a BAD thing.

keif: you live amongst massholes. the weather doesn't matter, none of them can drive for shit.