Al Gore Is Killing American G.I.s By Aiding The Insurgency®

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Pretty sneaky there, Alberto. Bet you thought no one was watching you when you selfishly slinked off to Vietnam like a pussy to fight for democracy in Indochina while brave souls like George Bush, Dick Cheney and John Ashcroft bravely and selflessly fought tooth and nail for military deferment after military deferment after military deferment after military deferment in order to join the real struggle "at home". You hypocrite. Put your money where you mouth is, coward, and quit killing our troops by wanting them to return home safely.

Oh, sure: He may be smart; he may be passionate about causes that are close to his heart that he's had to deal with personally for many years; he may even be sort of a decent guy who's raised daughters that don't break into Eurotrash bars, get knee-walking drunk and fuck everybody.

But one thing we can all agree to be true: Al Gore is killing G.I.s by aiding The Insurgency®.

His philosophy with regard to The Middle East has been one of moderation on all sides

What? Jesus Christ! Dolt. Pick a side, Al. The problems in The Middle East are not because most of the parties involved in that conflict approach the whole issue deliberately and decidedly. No. They approach that conflict like insane crazy people who are nuts. And the only way to deal with crazy retards is to be even more crazy and retarded. That's how you win. By out-retarding them. Remember Idi Amin? That's what I thought.

He cares more about genocide in Africa than he does about the price of a barrel of oil

Are you fucking kidding me? Get your priorities straight, Mr. President. Oil makes the world go 'round. Without affordable oil there's no affordable products to import and unaffordable products to export. Economics 101, dumbass: Export more than you import, and everybody's in "the black".

Speaking of "black", stay out of the whole African thing. Meddling only heightens tensions and flames the fires. They're reasonable people down there. They'll work it out. Drive up the cost of AIDS medication, side with the rebellion, and institute a continent-wide clean needle exchange program and free condom distribution, and let the markets decide. Problem solved.

He thinks the United Nations is a viable source of diplomacy for international disputes and regional flare-ups

That's hysterical. The U.N. is about as viable as a newly formed embryo. Suggesting that the U.N. could help with Iraq is tantamount to suggesting that we stumble in there as a coalition of the willing, namely, us and Montenegro. The only thing the U.N. is willing to do is launder money, turn away from mass killings, and debate a lot. Hmm… money laundering, mass killings, debate… Sounds like a bin Laden conference call to me. Anybody else?

His family grew tobacco

Where do you think al Qaeda got the idea to finance their operation by growing poppies, really? Al, for all intents and purposes, essentially wrote them a how-to book on using the system against itself in order to undermine the system it's using. Just whose side are you on? Get down off of that Vietcong Howitzer, John Kerry Jr.! ASAP.

That whole Global Warming™ fiasco

Perfect. Way to keep your eye on the ball, popular vote-getter. That's right: Scare people. Tell them the sky is falling. Tell them we're poisoning our own drinking water. Tell them we're running out of fossil fuel. Tell them we're running out of breathable air. Well, genius, let me ask you this: What good is breathable air if there's no one around to breathe it, huh? Al Qaeda knows this, and they're using it against us in The War On Terror® by distracting us from our mission in Iraq with studying cow farts and ocean currents and glaciers and Greenland and the melting of the polar icecaps. Meanwhile, some towel-headed freak shows up at a family wedding in Baghdad and gives the bride and groom the gift that keeps on giving, namely, death by explosion. Get a grip! Oh, right.

As a Democratic vice president he advocated just throwing a bunch of money at problems

Damn. Good thing SCOTUS appointed Bush president. Otherwise so-called President Gore would've been asking congress for billions upon billions upon billions of dollars that we don't technically have to fight a war in the wrong country. My fellow Americans, consider that bullet dodged. Yes!

He's very well educated

Oh please. That's the very last thing we need in the leader of the allegedly free world right now. We don't want someone who's going to think; we need someone who's going to do. These times of confusion and strife call for a "Roman", not a "Greek". And certainly not a "geek". If the enemy acts without thoughtfulness and caution, we act without thoughtfulness and caution. When you fight a fire with fire, everybody gets burned, and only the good die young. We're winning.

He thinks "the surge" is a bad idea

Wow. Guess who also thinks the surge is a bad idea, idiot: The Insurgency®. I mean, man, are you like on their payroll or something? Here, let me slow down. The Insurgency® thinks the surge is a bad idea too because it means The Insurgency® is losing. Take a look: suicide bombings have finally leveled off at about 2 or so a day; American G.I. deaths have finally leveled off at about a dozen or so a week; civilian deaths have finally leveled off at about 1,500 or so a month; and presidential press conferences have finally leveled off at about 1 a year. Get it? The surge is a good idea precisely because The Insurgency® thinks it's a bad idea. When your enemy is wrong, that makes you right. Pretty standard warfare tactics, really. But what would you know about war, faggot.

Meanwhile, our real vice president isn't flapping his yapper with a bunch of clichéd platitudes. Oh, no. He's actually doing something about it, like going to Iraq itself. Yeah, an American G.I. may have been blown up because of it, but our brave veep was there, right there in the middle of the action, in the thick of things. The only thing standing between our noble Dick Cheney and certain death was bravery, resolve, courage, steadfastness, 11 miles of concertina wire, 100,000 pounds of concrete, 134 machine gun nests, 54 tanks, 35 Humvees, 25 bullet proof SUVs getting –2.4 miles to the gallon, 19 secret service agents, 300 marines, 12 snipers at undisclosed locations, a mile of the earth's crust (that one bunker's way deep in the Green Zone), a protective shield made out of negative radiation lifted from alien technology at Area 51, a transporter that will instantly return him to his home planet should he be in immediate danger, a 100 yard-wide mote filled with gasoline that's on fire infested with mutant rats carrying the small pox virus, a ninja assassin only seen right before you die, and sanitizing wipes. Add the fact that he's packing a .38 Special in an ankle holster, and our Rambo's ready to spread corporatism across the entire face of the planet like a slug spreads slime.

So, to sum up: Al Gore is killing G.I.s and aiding The Insurgency® because of Jews, unprotected sex, stem cell research, Camel Lights™, the North Atlantic current, tax-and-spend Democrats/spend-without-taxing Republicans, meaningless book-learnin', and First Blood Part IV.

Stay out of it, Al. Terror-ible times call for terror-able people. And you just ain't one of 'em. So sorry about your luck. Mr. Gore: Turn down your themostat!