A Guide To The Worst College Towns

Because you can’t have the best if you don’t have the worst, here’s a (not so) brief rundown of the best of the worst college towns you’ll ever have the misfortune of finding yourself in. In every sense. (Think about it.) So hop in; let's go for a ride.

Oshkosh (Wisconsin)

Home to The University of Wisconsin at Oshkosh, or UW-O, or as some who don’t actually attend the school call it, “UW-Zero”, Oshkosh proper boasts 5 hours of daylight from mid-October to late April (when it’s not snowing, of course), the abundant alcoholism of the “townies”, lake flies the size of your thumb all summer long, and a campus that, before 8 jello shots, looks more like a women’s prison.

The upside? It’s not…

Birmingham (Alabama)

That’s right, folks. switters’ very own adopted home town makes the cut. Host to The University of Alabama at Birmingham and Birmingham Southern, home of The Fighting Church Burners, this "Magic City" (or, if you prefer, "Maggot Shitty") offers a first hand look at just why segregation actually does work, but only when you, you know, enforce it.

Detroit (Michigan

With a brand new city motto, “Detroit, Where Murder Goes to Die”, this Camel Lot on the Lake is poised for its breakout role as a city of learning so that it can kill you better. Why else do you think there are so many Lebanese immigrants here? Could it be because it looks just a tad too much like Beirut circa 1967?

Have you ever been there? What a hell hole! Home to, among other things, Wayne State University, not to mention a per capita crime rate that would make Roger “Verbal” Kint wet himself, Detroit is constantly reinventing itself so that you won’t recognize it when it comes to shoot you and your entire family in your home in the middle of the night while you sleep.

And the university has responded in kind, with The Graduate School of Homicidal Murder, The Rape and Assault Exchange Program, not to mention the now famous Summer Immersion Program For Would-Be Serial Killers. Who ever said education has to be legal anyway?

Springfield (Ohio)

Once a thriving publishing hub, Springfield now seems to be a city that can’t decide if it wants to manufacture hillbillies, rednecks, or just good old-fashioned white trash in general. Here you’ll find Wittenberg University, a fairly exclusive liberal arts college that, believe it or not, still has some semblance of a core curriculum and a consistency of architecture. Sort of. Do big column thingies count?

Rochester (New York)

Often referred to as “The Birmingham of the North”, this untidy dump’s claim to fame is the vaunted Eastman School of Music, birthplace of The Vocal Major Attitude Adjustment Clinic (don’t ask). You’d think that the home of Eastman Kodak would be, well, slightly more photogenic. Is that irony? Or just bad timing?

Atlanta (Georgia)

With all the crime of an Oakland but without all the ambience, Georgia Tech’s home town, oft referred to as “The Detroit of the South”, boasts traffic that would make a Los Angelean actually carpool. Back in the late 1960s/early 70s, when Birmingham and Atlanta were vying for the title of Most Fucked Up Out-Of-Control City Infrastructure Anywhere, The City of the Kindness of Strangers stepped up to the plate and built the most incongruous, ill-conceived airport on the planet and sealed the deal. Then all those black kids started disappearing around 1980 and The City of Bruthaly Love was officially christened.

And if that's not enough, consider this: It will take you approximately 54 minutes to get anywhere if you're in your car, even if it's next door. Consistency, folks. That's what sells a town. Pay attention, Chamber of Commerce!

Ames (Iowa [pronounced “Eye-uh-way” by some residents])

Looking for something to do in Ames? Well you might want to cancel any early dinner plans because 1.) looking for something to do in Ames, Iowa is an all day affair, and 2.) there’s not really any place to eat dinner.

Iowa State University, home to The Fighting Really Bad Drivers, is nestled in the bucolic hills of this hungry city, famous for its nutrient-rich black soil, immigrant field labor, and its weekly Farmers’ Market, where farmers try to sell each other Mexicans because they don’t have any money or food because of giant agro-business conglomerates that price the family farmer right into homelessness. Ironic that these brave, hearty souls who once fed the world today can’t even feed their own families. Oh quit your whining, gentlemen farmer, and grow something we really need, like tobacco. Pussies!

Oh, and the winters are long and they really blow.

Vermillion (South Dakota)

'nough said. Although The University of South Dakota, home of The Fighting "Yes-There-Is-To-A-University-Up-Here" Sayers, does happen to be the alma mater of our favorite official representative of The Greatest Generation, Tom Brokaw. And yes, he was in fact a member of Alpha Tau Omega fraternity. Small world.

Lawrence (Kansas)

Almost a complete lack of perspective? Basically.
Judgmentalism as far as the eye can see? Pretty much.
Narrow minded approaches to social issues and current events? You tell me.
A Jesus Camp? I wouldn't be surprised in the least.

Welcome to Lawrence, Kansas, where you'll find more churches than bars, more tornados than the entire Southeast region, and a collective belief system that makes the Puritans look like Unitarians. And with a person-to-gun ratio of 3 to 7, you'll find plenty of unintelligent design, and even less evolution. Birthplace of The Darwin Awards, there's a pretty good chance you'll come across something like, say, the world's biggest poorly designed slingshot.

Relax, she's fine. Way to go, sis!

Whew! Grab your passports, folks, and let's take a little gander at what sort of educational tomfoolery we'll find across the big, huge, giant lake.

Paris (France)

Whoa. We're not in Kansas anymore, to be sure. But by the looks of things, we might as well be. Yikes!

The problem with Paris is all the Parisians. You're talking about a group of people that works an average of 28.3 weeks a year, and still can't seem to manage to find the time to bathe. Pepe la Peu, alright. Pepe La Pee Yuu. For the love of God would somebody please light a match or something.

And I hope you're not from Texas. Because if the French were any more snotty to American visitors, they'd be nothing but big giant huge mucus-filled noses. With legs. And arms. Or maybe just hands and feet. (We're still trying to iron out the irony of that metaphor.) The point is, Paris just doesn't provide a student with the atmosphere and culture that a town needs in order to breed academic curiosity.

London (England)

Snore! Come on. One of the many qualities a town needs in order to foster thoughtfulness and academic rigor in any student is some history. The only thing we found educational about London was the invention of a machine that extracts all flavor out of food, and some rotted textbook called The History of Boiling Meat. I'll pass, literally.

Prague (Czechoslovakia)

Also known as "The Ames Iowa of Europe". So, yeah, you might want to bring a magazine or something.

Amsterdam (The Netherlands [we think])

Let me ask you this: How in the hell are you supposed to get any studying done if you're high all the time? Oops! Forgot about NYU.

(Germany)

Let me ask you this: Why exactly would I want to study in a region with a 1,000 year history of anti-Semitic genocidal war mongering Aryans trying to improve the human race through selective breeding and not-so-natural selection [nudge nudge]? That's what I thought. Oh no, I'll get my Holocaust™-denying course credit from The Hutton Gibson Pseudo-Catholic Jew Hating Reeducation Center and Day Spa, thank you very much (2-for-1 seaweed wrap every third Tuesday of the month – fuck you, there's an ecumenical precedent [look it up, dumbass!]).

Okay, this place is really lame. Let's pop back over the pond and see where else we need to visit so we know never to go there again. Hmm…

Meridian (Mississippi)

Ever wonder what a town would look like if the city planners had been hammered blind on moonshine and based its design on a strip mall? Well look no further. Home to Mississippi State University's Fighting Separaters But Equalizers, this "Ingrown Toenail On The Foot Of America" says "Southern hospitality" with a capital K, 3 capital K's, in fact, proving once again that it really does take a village to raise an idiot.

Denton (Texas)

Because no list of towns listed for whatever reason would be complete without a nominee from Texas, "The State That Shouldn't Have Been But Is Anyway Oh Fuck", Denton prides itself on being the home team to the North Texas College of Music, famous for its cookie-cutter approach to squirting out indistinct jazzbots whose only claim to fame will ultimately be having attended North Texas. You'll recognize them by all those modal riffs during their solos. Not to worry, graduates. People will always be getting married; thus, people will always need someone to bang out "Satin Doll" and "The Girl From Ipanema" at the reception. (15 minute smoke break max.)

Baltimore (Maryland)

Uhh… Homocide: Life On The Street, The Wire, Liberty Heights? I'd rather take my chances in downtown Baghdad armed with nothing but a quarter-filled sock.

Gosh, surely that should be more than enough for now. I hope you've enjoyed our little trip down Fraternity Row right into Collegeville, population: Keg stand! But remember: No matter where you go, you have to take your self with you. Good luck with that. Because I know, for a lot of you, that's a pretty unattractive proposal, if you know what I mean.



(With thanks to bright_virago)