Idol: Geek Week Peaks, Freaks Speak

Memphis Auditions Blow Lid Off Racism's Melting Crock Pot
IF YOU THOUGHT SIMON WAS CRUEL READ NO FURTHER
By switters™
Posted Wednesday, January 24, 2007, at 2:52 CST

Uh-oh. Looks like the folks over at American Idol may have gotten caught egging the short bus. Because word on the street is that special ed frag fest may or may not have been staged. (Our sources say it wasn't.)

It's turned into quite the dustup re: Simon/Randy/Paula making fun of the developmentally (and musically, it turns out) challenged. Seems as if the retarded community at large may have taken a severe blow to their collective egos from which they may never recover. Access Hollywood's question of the week has been, "Should Simon apologize?" Answer: Yes. He should say, "I'm sorry you kids are ugly and slow. Next?" (I know, I'm going to hell.)

Anyways…

What a night! Some highlights:

After we're forced to listen to a misguided cheerleader mangle a perfectly good interpretation of what Paul Anka would sound like if he were a brain damaged backup singer for Huey Lewis and the News were they doing all Canned Heat covers, we're treated to a crash course in Southern Ebonics For Dummies 101.

Good thing. Because it's a prerequisite for Southern Ebonics For Dummies 201 when in walks, or, rather, trots Gummy McHorseteeth, who sings what could only be described as ska-meets-rap-meets-Gregorian Chant-meets-running-a red-light-T-boned-by-a-garbage-truck. 3 killed.

Then Urkel has a full-blown meltdown reminiscent of the movie when that one dude finds a penis on his new girlfriend. It was just like that, but without the vomiting. (My vomiting doesn't count.)

That's when I'm beginning to wonder if this particular episode was directed by Paul Thomas Anderson. Because out comes this perfectly round bearded gentlemen with self-esteem lower than the 2 now famous retards from last week. I really felt for this guy, because his wife was cheating on him, and when he forgave her and said he'd take her back, she said she only wanted to get back together if she could continue to fool around behind his back. What a keeper! But he's not having any of that. And after he becomes America's latest idol, that whore will be begging him to take her back (as long as she can still cheat on him). Then he launches into "Footloose", complete with dance moves which include, but are not limited to, spinning around once on one foot, pointing (at Paula – he's got a bit of a crush), a little clog walk side-step maneuver, the "love windmill", more pointing (vague object in distance sort), and the patented Patrick Swayze half-speed victory walk down aisle circa Dirty Dancing were Kevin Bacon to have played Sean Penn's brother's part in Footloose. No, not that brother. The one who's dead. The fatter one. Yeah, him. Did Kevin win that tractor race, by the way?

Southern Ebonics For Dummies 301, with lab 3 days a week, finds a home in Cleavage T. McFloppington's rendition, almost recognizable during the refrain even, of "Disco Inferno". Unfortunately the only thing that was burning baby burn was Simon's "Saturday Night Fever", which, in most cases, is fatal, if not fetal, position-wise anyway. You're right, my man-boobed limey friend: Quite the "handful" indeed.

Ever wonder what would happen if Fidel Castro and Dolly Parton had a love child? Meet Shawn, sporting facial hair only his mother, and Rick Rubin, could love. After our beloved judges have dispensed with the cursory condescension… Whoops! Turns out Abe Lincoln's got some pipes, shocking our panel. Hey Randy, Paula, Simon: Did you know that Appalachian Folk Music is one of the more complicated styles of music to sing, and that it was born in the hills a cappella, which means that this was the ideal audition setting for Tevye there? Yeah, I didn't think so. Something tells me that our mountain man friend may or may not be in store for a makeover in Hollywood. Either that or the next fashion craze to sweep malls all over the country will be Goth Amish Post Grunge Orthodox Skate Kid Jesus Freak Preppy. The juries still out.

I love it when Randy completely flip-flops, which he did over the "Once In My Life" offering, after Simon said he liked it. Check it out: Randy's Simon's bitch! Randy's Simon's bitch! Own it.

Best dig up your copy of Derrida's Of Grammatology, because Black Elvis is the T.A. in the Southern Ebonics For Dummies Graduate Seminar, and his office hours are severely limited, for good reason. Never underestimate the power of denial, ever. Or of PMS, while we're on the subject.

A veritable seamless transition from Black Elvis' version of "Burnin'" to the "Burnin'" Contestant Montage, which are getting a little old. Still, Seacrest is the funniest, not to mention the smartest, of the whole lot. Which, I suppose, isn't saying much, actually. I'm a fan.

Really good blues singer, best yet, for what that's worth. But when the new father was in front of our judges, I was rolling a joint in another room and missed most of it. Hopefully m'boy Jody doesn't "take the pot" and will fill in the blanks for me.

It's usually around week 2 or 3 of the audition phase of AI that I realize, yet again, that the real fun doesn't start until they're all in California. Still, seeing as how I live in The Ham, and that The Ham, if not The South, has ruled the Idol roost's top 3 consistently for the last 4 years or so, you might not want to miss the Birmingham auditions, whenever they are. 10 bucks to anyone that spots me outside the B'ham Jefferson County Civic Center. Hint: I'm not the one dressed as Boba Fett. Maybe. But I will tell you that there's a better than 50% chance that I may or may not have chosen to sing, as my audition song, the jingle from those Charlie perfume commercials from years ago:

Kind of young kind of now
Charlie!
Kind of free kind of wow
Charlie!

You tell me.