Friday, January 05, 2007

Congratulations To The 3,000th Dead American GI

Morbid Sweepstakes Find A Silver Lining
•The Gift Basket Of Death That Keeps On Giving The Whole Year 'Round
By switters
Posted Friday, January 5, 2007, at 12:00 PM CST

The entire staff here at Frayge6:TheOuterSanctum would like to extend a hearty and healthy congratulations to the 3,000th dead American GI, killed at some point over our wondrous holidays (mostly the one about the manger thing and getting presents) that represent peace on earth (our planet) and goodwill toward men (typically of the paler variety), and women to a lesser extent. And to celebrate, we're pulling out all the stops, putting all plans on the back burner, bringing out the fatted calf, and sobbing ourselves to sleep till the cows come home. I.e., we're gonna blow this throwdown out.

Your mangled blown up corpse will fly all the way from beautiful downtown Baghdad (the areas where you can almost move about without someone trying to kidnap you or chop your head off) all the way to the hometown of your choice (when convenient), Anywhereville, USA, population: Freedom (more or less, when it's absolutely necessary and unavoidable)!

That's not all.

Your shrapnel-laden dead body will receive a full Honor Guard Salute upon arrival, complete with banners, guns, soldiers (including non-dead ones), grieving family members devastated by indescribable pain and suffering, and snacks (TBD).

Still not enough? Okay.

Your new wife/husband and unborn/newborn child (where applicable) will be escorted by a senior staff officer or semi-important civilian liaison to the morgue for one last kiss. Totally cute and picture-worthy! Grab the Polaroid, Mom.

What?! Twist my arm, why don't you. Very well.

We'll throw in a 2007 desk calendar with a custom cross-referenced spreadsheet where you can keep track of all the dead GIs each day of the month for the whole year.

Jeez! More? Fine. What the hell. Other fabulous prizes:

-A Death Certificate
-The Inability To Reenlist And Get Killed In Combat Seeing As How You're Already Dead
-An Autopsy
-A Funeral That You'll Never Forget If You Weren't Dead
-Unattainable Future Goals
-A Very Much-Deserved Long Nap

Just think about it: Because you're no longer alive, you won't have to take out the garbage, clean out the garage, hold your kids, or do the dishes ever again. Being dead was never more satisfying and stress free!

And if you think that's not fantabulous enough, guess what your surviving kin receives:

-A Death Certificate (Sorry About The Tacky Re-gift But, You Know, We're Trying To Balance The Budget)
-Unquenched Bitter Regret And Disappointment
-A Paper Towel Holder Made Out Of Your Loved One's Femur
-Utter Despair And Sadness
-One Of Those Flag Lapel Pins (Limit 3 Per Family Please)
-A Form Letter From Our President Thanking Your Loved One For Giving His/Her Life So That Others May Also Give Their Lives At A Later Date To Be Determined By An IED
-An Unexploded Ordinance
-The Abdomen-Crunching Realization That Your Loved One Died For An Administration That Has All But Come Out And Admitted That They Haven't The Faintest Idea What In The Fuck Exactly They're Doing Over There, Literally
-A Commemorative Patriotic Doily Set
-Cat Food For When The Benefits Run Out
-A "My Spouse Died In The Iraq War And All I Got Was This Stupid T-Shirt And The Fading Memories Of What His/Her Face Looked Like Not To Mention The Mind-Bending Devastation Of His/Her Never Knowing His/Her Own Child" T-Shirt (Though Some Of That's On The Back Due To Space Limitations And Good Taste – We're Nothing If Not Gender Inclusive)
-A Year's Supply Of Ulcer Medication
-A Year's Supply Of Migraine Medication
-A Year's Supply Of Melancholy
-A Year's Supply Of Clorox™ Dryer Sheets Infused With The Scent Of The Breath Of Dead Iraqi Children
-A Food Stamp Holder In The Shape Of A Hummer (Something For The Kids To Play With And Learn The Value Of Money, Martial Superiority, Shock & Awe/Pop & Fizz, And Limb-Losing)
-A "Let The Motherfucker Burn, Burn Motherfucker Burn" Beer Koozie
-Your Very Own Suicide Bomber Kit, Complete With Exploding Entrails Receptacle/Sneeze Guard
-A Canteen Full Of Hopes And Dreams
-Gourmet Coffees From Around The World
-A Nagging Sense Of Faithlessness In Anything Or Anyone, Including Yourself
-A $5.00 Off Coupon For An Oil Change At The Texaco Express Lube
-A $10.00 Gift Certificate To Bed, Bath And Beyond
-A Pocket Full Of Mumbles Such Are Promises*
-An "<<< I'm With Stupid Who's Not Walking Beside Me Because He's Got A Full Plate What With Being Killed In Iraq And All" T-Shirt (All Printed On Back In Condensed Helvetica So If Someone Is Close Enough Actually To Read It There'd Better Be An Impending Marriage Proposal)
-The Fact That You Didn't Even Get To Say Goodbye
-The Why We Fight DVD, With Special Features, Including, Well, Pertinent Information That Happens To Be Relevant As To Why They're Fighting And Various And Sundry Things Of That Nature (And So Forth)
-A GI Joe With Detachable Limbs (Also For The Kids, And A Great Learning Tool When Combined With…)
-Fire Crackers
-And A Collectible Mr. T Clock Radio With Custom Alarm, E.g., "I pity the foo[l] who don't wake up!"

(In a related story: Local Man Wins Giant Cheese Wheel In War Casualty Office Pool)

Hmm… Uh… Yeah, that's pretty much it.

A veritable treasure trove of prizes. Don't mention it. After all, it is the very least we can do. The very least. Enjoy! And don't forget to support our troops, for whatever reason.

Oh, and you won't believe what Mr. or Mrs. or Miss 4,000 gets. But we don't want to give away too many secrets! Yet.

*If you don't know the attribution, you're a bit of a Gomer


Keifus said...

No man, I only hear what I want to hear, and disregard the rest.

Nice to see you back, swit. And swinging for the fences--this post will earn you a star for sure. (No seriously, well done.)

K (Well, gawwwllleeeee)

MsZilla said...

Well done man, but I can't laugh with you on this one.

My eldest is one completed government Charlie Foxtrot nonsense maneuver away from raising his right hand and solemnly swearing at or about the Army.

All I can say is let's hope that prize for 4,000 never has to come.

Dawn Coyote said...

Switters: This is probably the funniest, saddest thing I’ve so far read about the war.

Dawn Coyote said...

I don't get that they don't get it. I could make up a fabulous dinner-party guest list based on the people who get you. We could gather round the barely-cooked roast, and pull it apart with our hands while we giggle about the costs and consequences of the war in Iraq.

Anyway, I've done my part to encourage open-mindedness and understanding. You're welcome.