Thursday, January 11, 2007

AN OPEN LETTER TO MCSWEENEY LETTER WRITER ERIC, OWNER OF JEALOUS, VOMITING CATS

Dear Eric,

I see you’ve written a letter to your cats. You needn’t have. But seriously...

Nevertheless, I would like to address one of the particulars in your letter t-o y-o-u-r c-a-t-s. I was disturbed to read that you employ the squirt bottle method of persuasion on your cats. Although the squirt bottle method is politically correct where dogs are concerned, I have doubts it was ever intended for use on cats, nor do I believe it retains its PC rating in light of feline sensibilities. I’ve seen my share of wet cats Eric. Those pathetic images suggest to me that the mere idea of malicious flying water is the stuff of kitten nightmares, never mind the reality.

I also found your use of the squirt bottle in response to their vomiting utterly lacking in both sympathy, and a basic grasp of bodily functions. I don’t know if you’ve ever vomited Eric, but I have, and I can assure you that it is an exceedingly unpleasant experience. Having witnessed my own cats in the act of vomiting on numerous occasions, I can attest that it is at least as unpleasant and involuntary for them as it is for us humans.

Now I must admit, I’ve generally manage to vomit in a toilet. However, I have, on occasion, vomited in a trashcan, out the window of a moving car, and most notably, in my hands and mouth in a vain effort to avoid a later clean-up. But accidents happen Eric. Unless you’re perfect. I’m guessing you are.

Putting aside the reflexive nature of vomiting, I’d also like to simply point out that assuming your cats had the option to casually choose the time a place of their oral evacuations, I simply can’t imagine any cat in its right mind would choose to add insult to injury by heave and jerking with its face in a litter box. Would you risk eating used litter Eric, under any circumstances?

This assumes, of course, that there is a point to squirting your cats when they vomit, since it seems otherwise unfathomable to me that you hope teach them not to vomit! Alas, the lesson you are teaching your cats is twofold. First and foremost, that you, Eric, are a dick. And second, when they do need to vomit, it would be better to do it somewhere where you are not, such as little used and secluded spaces--behind the desk, under the bed, the dark, dusty corners of the house--where you’re not only unlikely to witness them in the act, but equally unlikely to discover the source of that peculiar smell.

Sincerely,

Owner of Miss Priss and Otis

2 comments:

Schadenfreude said...

AN OPEN LETTER TO ENDER

It's not that I don't like your letter. But I'd be lying to you if I were to tell you that it's written at the same level as that of the professional writer of the original letter.

I've told you before that you have talent, so don't read this as attempt to discourage you. The thing is that writers write. And professional writers, typically, have written hundreds of thousands of words - they do it for hours every day and have done it for years. You don't and you haven't.

How do you get to Carnegie Hall? Again, I think you have talent and creativity. If you want someone to pay you for writing you have to do a lot more of it (every day - for hours).

You asked.

alexa-blue said...

AN OPEN RESPONSE TO THE WRITER OF MCSWEENEYS 'AN OPEN LETTER TO MY MALE GYNECOLOGIST'

Dear Ms. Katai,

Jesus Christ, Febreze?

Sincerely,

Dr. Cohen