Tuesday, December 12, 2006

Iraq Study Group Minutes Leaked

A Brief Glimpse Inside A Think Tank
Secret Notes Prove Diplomacy Alive And Well In Fantasy Land
By switters
Posted Tuesday, December 12, 2006, at 9:18 AM CST

Talk about a Hot Document. Man. I just hope nobody's preggers! Caution: Many Bothans died for this information. Proceed at your own risk.

"September 20, 2006

8:45 AM – 8:52 AM, Discuss whether or not Iraq is a country
8:53 AM – 9:08 AM, Conclude that it is, and that it's somewhere in the middle of The East
9:09 AM – 9:12 AM, Discuss Iran as a future threat to U.S.
9:13 AM – 10:21 AM, Discuss the slow, sad, painful toilet swirl that is Britney Spears' career and reputation, and the giant, huge enormity of her sow-like weight gain
10:22, Break for brunch
1:35 PM – 1:46 PM, Discuss possible troop withdrawal as early as next Spring
1:47 PM – 3:15 PM, Discuss possible candidacy for presidential run and campaign as early as this Spring
3:16 PM – 4:44 PM, Smoke break (for Hamilton, trying to quit, 5th time now)
4:45 PM – 4:48 PM, realize it's almost 5:00 PM and call it a day

September 21, 2006

10:15 AM – 10:23 AM, Waiting on Baker in the bathroom (apparently a piece of his sausage biscuit "broke off" and Jimmy Dean decided to "throw his hat into the ring", P and U)
10:24 AM – 11:56 AM, Heated discussion on how loose stools are responsible for more diplomatic snafus than any other single bodily function
11:57 AM – 12:09 PM, Discuss Alan K. Simpson's "Daisy with a Smiley Face", and unanimously vote it Best Doodle of the Day
12:09 PM – 12:35 PM, Read aloud the minutes from yesterday's session
12:36 PM – 12:45 PM, Conclude yesterday was quite productive, break for lunch
2:47 PM – 2:51 PM, Discuss Iran's nuclear capabilities and how that relates to uranium enrichment
2:52 PM – 2:55 PM, Conclude that it doesn't, or won't anyway
2:56 PM – 4:35 PM, Discuss whether or not TomKat's baby Suri is an alien space robot
4:36 PM – 4:40 PM, Conclude to leave it up to further discussion
4:41 PM – ???, quick Boggle™ tournament snowballs out of control, track of time lost

September 22, 2006

11:30 AM – 11:32 AM, Discuss breaking for lunch
11:33 AM – 11:34 AM, Conclude to agree to break for lunch
2:36 PM – 2:41 PM, Discuss Syria's influence over Lebanon
2:41 PM – 3:45 PM, Get sidetracked and conclude Mel was definitely "under the influence"
3:46 PM – 4:30 PM, Get sidetracked further and discuss "the Israel influence in America"
4:31 PM – 5:50 PM, conference call with The Bilderberg Group
5:51 PM – 6:36 PM, get sidetracked further and discuss Jolie's influence over Pitt
6:37 PM – 6:40 PM, get sidetracked even further and conclude that Johnny Depp's eyes are "dreamy"
6:41 PM – 6:43 PM, (Allegedly) destroy today's minutes, adjourn 'till tomorrow, 7:30 AM, to get an early start and avoid the eerily early holiday traffic

September 23, 2006

9:48 AM – 10:12 AM, Discuss if we weren't the only ones trying to avoid the eerily early holiday traffic
10:13 AM – 10:15 AM, Conclude that we weren't
10:16 AM, Break for brunch (Ed Meese made poppy seed muffins, Yum!)
1:20 PM – 1:35 PM, Discuss Lebanon's influence over the Palestinian people
1:36 PM – 2:10 PM, Discuss Beverly Hills 90210's influence over The OC
2:11 PM – 2:33 PM, Conclude that they shouldn't have killed off Marissa last season because Mischa Barton was one of the few reasons anyone watched the show in the first place
2:34 PM – 5:31 PM, Discuss Mischa's career, from playing a little girl whose mother is feeding her Cream of Drano soup in The Sixth Sense all the way to Closing The Ring, which, concluded excitedly, could be what Pulp Fiction was for Uma Thurman
5:32 PM – 5:46 PM, Discuss whether or not Sandra Day O'Connor is "holding"
5:47 PM – 5:50 PM, Conclude that she is
5:51 PM – 6:09 PM, Rolling papers search
6:10 PM – 6:11 PM, Eureka! Thanking god for Georgetown grad students
6:12 PM – 6:23 PM, Pass to the right
6:24 PM – 9:15 PM, Discuss how the Gilligan's Island episode with the Japanese soldier who thinks World War 2 is still going on could so totally happen in real life
9:16 PM – 9:45 PM, "Munchies Patrol", locate vending machine, Panetta breaks glass with his head, score
9:46 PM – ???, ???

September 24, 2006

12:24 PM – 12:36 PM, Look at each other somewhat embarrassed in silence
12:37 PM – 4:15 PM, Read yesterday's minutes aloud and try to piece together exactly what happened
4:16 PM – 5:01, Conclude that those incidents will stay in this room forever
5:02 PM – 5:14 PM, Discuss insurgency thingie
5:15 PM – 5:18 PM, Conclude that we need to tell Iran and Syria to knock it off in a stern letter in so many words
5:18 PM – 6:35 PM, Discuss tonight's upcoming episode of Deal Or No Deal
6:36 PM – 7:01 PM, Conclude NBC is trying desperately to keep the contestants very "melting pot-ish" looking
7:02, Larry Eagleburger shows up with case of Pabst Blue Ribbon and a Giant bag of Funyuns (conclude he's still high)
7:03 PM – 9:05 PM, "Belch-off"
9:06 PM – 9:43 PM, Discuss how Shallow Hal was robbed at the Oscars
9:44 PM – 9:50 PM, Group hug, goes on a little to long, Vernon Jordan blamed
9:51 PM – 9:52 PM, hurried leaving and goodbyes

Septemeber 25 – December 2, 2006, Much deserved group hiatus

December 3, 2006 ("The Day Of Conclusions, And Atonement")

9:15 AM, Conclude that The United State of America did indeed at some point in the last 4 years or so in fact invade Iraq, which is indeed in fact a country

9:30 AM, Conclude that everything was going just fine in Iraq right up until the midterm elections, at which point it started going not just fine, and that it's almost as if the Iraq thingie turned into a giant, civil war quagmire virtually over night (weird)

9:40 AM, Conclude that O'Connor should apologize to Baker for calling him a useless has-been with breath that could stop an American military invasion that's sort of not legal

9:45 AM, Conclude that it's imperative that the new Democratically controlled House and Senate work with President Bush, unlike how uncooperative the House and Senate were when they were controlled by the President's own party (also weird)

10:10 AM, Conclude that there really is something to The Powell Doctrine of Overwhelming Force (not to mention the switters Doctrine of Overwhelming Cocktails), and that it's almost always a good idea when you're invading another country to bring 3 more divisions than you think you really need (and one more keg than you think they can drink)

10:20 AM, Conclude that playing partisan politics is almost never a good reason for 11 soldiers to die

10:30 AM, Conclude, ultimately, that talk is still pretty cheap these days, and that, on account of inflation, should be a real feather in the cap for you supply-siders"


twiffer said...

fucking senators. don't they know you should pass to the left?

switters said...

Leave it to you to get that messed up reference.

For the first time ever in my life I watched A Charlie Brown Christmas blazing a bit last night. I couldn't stop laughing. Did the same thing with Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer Friday. I think I pulled stomach muscle.

twiffer said...

see, that reminds me of an episode of robot chicken, where the great pumpkin finally appears and the devours the peanuts gang. untill charlie brown uses the kite-eating tree to kill it.

the question of the day though, is who is the victor in a hamster vs. gerbil deathmatch?