Friday, December 01, 2006

The Passion Of The Nativity, A Movie Review

Born Again, Again
New Jesus Movie Proves Xmas Carol "Silent Night" Is Over 2,000 Years Old
By switters
Posted Friday, December 1, 2006, at 12:00 PM CST

Ripped directly right out of some of the parts of The New Testament itself, literally, The Passion of The Nativity poses the question philosophers, Bible scholars and Jack Van Impe* have been asking for 25 centuries and counting, namely, What happens when you take a pregnant Jewish virgin with a bun in the oven, throw in a distant father with abandonment issues, a nutty band of wise-cracking wise men, and a Judean king with a Ramses-esque Passover complex?

Answer: a messiah with strangely Northern European features, one heck of a Peanuts xmas special, the "slaughter of the innocents", and a good, solid 2-hour nap. Yep, folks: Everybody wins. Except the first-born sons that is! (Ouch.)

Not to be outdone by sweeping factumentarian and sometime "sugar boobs"-blurting anti-Semite, Mel Gibson (The Last Temptation Of The Passionate Christ, The Last Tempted Tearing Of The Son Of God's Flesh, The First Attempted Head Chop-Off Of John The Baptist, Why The Jews Really Murdered Jesus The Christ), Kathy Hardwix (The Lord of Dogville, 13 Going On Slutty), lays out the first noel like a popup book. Or perhaps like a little wooden nativity scene hand-carved by a farmer in Iowa that sits on top of the television set next to the lava lamp at grandma's, whose house always smelled (vaguely) of chocolate chip cookies and, oddly enough, pipe tobacco.

[sigh]

Anyways…. Where was I? Hmm…

Right.

We follow little Mary (Keira Hughes Nightly [The Wail Writer]) and Joseph (Isaac Oscarson [the retarded kid in an episode of Law & Order: Special Education Unit, The Nativity Story]) on the bumpy road of unwanted teenage pregnancy, ostracization, and unwanted teenage childbirth from Judea all the way to Bethlehem. It's a fairly ill-conceived plan.

Then we follow the 3 wise men, Meshack, Shadrack and Abednego (as themselves) on the bumpy road of sight gags, pratfalls and myrrh, gold and frankincest jokes from the Far East all the way to the Middle East, and back again. "Moses schmoses. Camel urine is good for the skin."

Then we follow Herod (Cirian Hines [that one guy, you know, from The Romans and the Jane Eyre thingie on PBS years ago]) on the bumpy road of paranoia, control freakiness and infanticide from Solome all the way to The Dances of the 7th Veil. "Uh… You want what on a silver platter now, dear?"

Then we follow Linus (Christopher Shea [A Boy Named Charlie Brown {I'm extremely choosy about what I get right}]) on the bumpy road of self-realization from backstage all the way to center stage, where his "Lights, Please" speech is one of the most poignant, touching and revealing orations in the history of Christmasism itself. "That's what Christmas is about, Charlie Brown."

Then we follow little baby Jesus (??? [Omen III: The Final Conflict]) from the womb all the way to the birth canal. Then he pops out like a boiled ham and starts picking disciples and telling people not to hate and kill. Then his teachings are subsequently ignored by everyone for 2,000 years… !!!SPOILER ALERT!!!

Just in time for this season's observance of the pagan holiday celebrating the shortest day of the year and the Winter Solstice, The Passion Of The Nativity has something for the entire family and will have you seeing Mary Full Of Grace in a whole new production light faster than you can flip off some bitch who cut you off in traffic on your way to the candlelight service at the church you attend once or twice a year.

(Did you know that George Frederick Handel wrote the entire Messiah in about 2 weeks? Deadlines sure are a drag, especially when it's an oratorio about arguably the most significant event in the history of man. And woman. Oh well.)

Then Jesus was crucified also for us under Pontius Pilate; He suffered and was buried; and the third day…etc., and so forth and so on.

The end.

On the eve of the "Silent Night", when push comes to shove and shove comes to push and another push comes to labor, folks, we don't want movies like The Passion Of The Nativity. We need movies like The Passion Of The Nativity, if for no other reason than when critics confuse straight-forward filmmaking for boring filmmaking, the odds are pretty good that those critics went into it knowing what they were going to write before they even saw the movie. And then proceed to trash Christianity as a whole not on its own merits but, rather, on the basis of the fucked-in-the-head insane followers* in its worst incarnation. Good call!

(I love the smell of disingenuousness in the morning. It smells like… chocolate chip cookies and pipe tobacco.)

11 comments:

Keifus said...

Hmmm, I think I've figgered out why spammers don't act as though they're divinely inspired. That market's, like, so cornered. I guess Jeebus likes slick website design. (Gotta put that money somewhere.)

I hear the ending of that one was pretty crazy, what with the coming back after two millenia and ending the world and all. You know, he was such a nice kid, too.

K

Schadenfreude said...

You seem to have made a lasting impact.

TenaciousK said...

O/T - Come on, Schad - it's all part of the vast, evil conspiracy, formulated by the twisted genius of our very own Switters - a front man for the most conservative elements of the Republican party. We've thoroughly infiltrated the entire site, making scores of posts daily, all in an effort to throw a wrench into that well-oiled and effective machine that is dailykos by gradually increasing the noise to signal ratio - diluting their incisive political commentary with our subtle efforts to render trite the very values they hold so dear.

Don't trivialize the effort, man. But Damn that Rita in DC, and that Eternally Hopeless! They and their super-sleuthing comrades have seemingly paranormal abilities to sniff out even the most clever of our carefully constructed ruses! Soon, they'll have identified ALL of our hundreds of sockpuppets (many of whom have attained TU status), reported us to kos, and banned us.

It's the constant pasting of the "banned user" screed that's really doing us in. Damn the cleverness! Damn those cutting comments! And damn their appropriation of the terms "Switters" and "Switterites"! Before you know it, they'll have spread our infamy across the cyberuniverse, immortalized by the entry of theose hated, yet cunningly applied epithets in repositories such as Wikipedia, and the Urban Slang Dictionary!

We would've gotten away with it too, if it hadn't been for those darn kids!

Schadenfreude said...

Funny. My 7 year old son has TU status on a site that he posts on. He seems to be more responsible and discriminating with it than these bozos (no insult to actual clowns is intended).

twiffer said...

it's "meddling kids", fuckwit.

hmmm...is that too harsh?

JohnMcG said...

I'm thinking that the problem is that the people who are attracted to roles like "trusted user" are the last people you want to have that job.

Think about it -- why would you want to get involved in something like dKos? Maybe you want to help get Democratic candidates elected. Maybe you're looking for a lively forum in which to exchange ideas. Or maybe you want to live out your fantasy of being able to tell other people what to do and deliver consequences if they don't.

Similar thing probably applies to stars on the Fray. Those that need the start to give themselves juice probably shouldn't have them.

Also probably applies to management positions in industry, but I'm probably getting ahead of myself...

Foolkiller said...

And damn their appropriation of the terms "Switters" and "Switterites"!

Tenacious, stand up and tell the class where the name Switters originates.

TenaciousK said...

He Twif: They varied.

Asshat.

FK (how oddly appropriate):

Switters is a character in a book by Tom Robbins, that I'm not in the least bit ashamed to admit I never red. Guess where the name Fielding Bandolier came from, oh supercilious one (hint - Tom Robbins had nothing to do with it). The provenance of Switters moniker has been mentioned more than once, as has an alternic of his - care to guess what that might be?

Feel free to consult here, should you seek greater edification.

Notice, the term I use was "appropriated". The reason I selected this term is that the word Switters now has a new meaning, thanks to the paranoid, hypervigilant, troll-vanquishing mobsters over on dkos. Our own Switters merely borrows the label - now, its been redefined to represent a whole class of (imaginary) people. Seems a little more larcenous, wouldn't you say?

TenaciousK said...

red, read. Whatever.

TenaciousK said...

Hmmm. I must read that book.

twiffer said...

john: you are correct. these are the same sort of people who want to serve on condo boards and rule over other such petty provinces. the sort of people who have the desire to tell others what color they can paint their home, and fine if the grass gets to long, etc..