A New Timeline

From: The U.S. of A.
To: Iraq
Subject: Oops!

Good people of Iraq,

Okay, yeah, you were better off 4 years ago than you are today. We messed up, big time. We get it. But seeing as how un-ringing a bell is a lot like being a little bit pregnant, we're going to own up to our mistake and say, "We're sorry." Here lately it's starting to look like the war is being prosecuted by The Spice Girls with a ouiji board. Not pretty. (Was there an Incompetent Spice?)

So, we're leaving. This weekend, in fact. (Where "leaving" means we're gonna pull back to Afghanistan and set up a sort of Mall of America type deal where all the stores are ammunitions-themed. Don't sweat it; you'll know what we're going for when it's done.)

But what you people have to do is man-up, take some responsibility, show a little pluck & chutzpah & backbone, and get control of your own country back, if you can.

If the whole country devolves into civil war? Oh well. It was a thought. Besides, !!!NEWSFLASH!!! It already has.

If the Sunnis decide to wipe the Shiites off the face of our planet, earth, or vice versa? Well, somebody's gotta lose.

If the countries surrounding Iraq decide to annex parts of it for their own enjoyment and utility? Well, it's not like the current real estate is that attractive looking these days anyway, especially when you consider it's totally a buyer's market right now. (Though y'all have given an entirely new meaning to the phrase "housing market bubble burst", whereas the "bubble burst" in this case is more likely than not a 16-year old girl who's been brainwashed into strapping on a sports bra filled with explosives and chlorine and wandering over there to the Baghdad O'Charley's for some cheese fries and carnage [on the side, obviously].)

So we'll give you 3 months to straighten up, in every sense. 3 months. We'll monitor your progress through our "friends" in the region. And before any of you retarded maniacs decide to pull something funny on Saudi Arabia, Egypt or Israel (I'm talking to you, Syria, Iran, Lebanon!)? Keep in mind that, as far as we're concerned, our "friends" have carte blanche to do whatever it takes to protect their sovereignty and safety as nations. Anything. They. Want. (Yes, as a matter of fact, we are aware of the irony of our having violated Iraq's sovereignty almost overnight. Don't change the subject.)

After 3 months, we'll determine if what's going on in Iraq distracts those in the greater Middle East from pursuing the important things in life (e.g., commerce, relative tolerance, not blowing up, say). If it's not upsetting the balance of worldsmanship (New word!) in the area at large, we'll leave you to chopping each others' heads off and stoning women to death for showing a toenail in public. (Pretty harsh, there, Abdullah!)

But if what's going on in Iraq after 3 months does hamper everyone else's ability to pursue life, a little liberty, and happiness, then we're going to carpet bomb the country indiscriminately, reduce the country at large to little more than a rubble heap, annex the landfill ourselves, and put up a giant Chevron in its place with a Shop-a-Snack that will make your head spin, and then cut it off. We don't need your oil. In 5 years we'll have a car that gets 100 miles per gallon (in the city, no less!) that costs 15,000 dollars and looks like an Audi. Seriously.

"But the rest of the world would never allow the United States to obliterate another country off the map!"

Really? You're going to rely on the rest of the world's opinion of us as a defense mechanism? Yeah, have a good time with that.

It's your choice. Your fate is in your own hands and in those of your countrymen, which is as it should be. It's up to you to pull yourselves up by your goofie flip-flop looking thingie straps, dramatically adjust your mandress, and stand up for your rights as a citizen of your country and of humanity.

It's also your choice, if you feel so moved, to continue killing each other, and sentencing yourselves and your countrymen to oblivion and beyond. You can think of it as having Allah sort it all out.

(Note to Iran: If you guys develop a nuclear weapon, enjoy it while you can, because about 3 minutes after you invent it we're going to nuke you back to the Mesozoic Age. [You'll love it. It's the Age of the Reptiles; you'll fit right in.])

Are these measures a tad on the drastic side? Probably. Is it unfair for America to punish Iraq for a war we started, a war which has decimated the country's infrastructure (and outfrastructure, for that matter) and mutilated hundreds of thousands of innocent civilians? Of course, but that's never stopped us before. Is our response proportional to the crimes committed? Well, see, we don't really care. Why? Because this whole fiasco has demonstrated one immutable point that everyone is thinking but doesn't have the guts to blurt out, namely, the lives of lighter-skinned people are just simply more valuable than the lives of darker-skinned people. It's been in a couple papers, by the way. And we're a little tired of you killing our GIs because of it. (I.e., Barack Obama is plenty black enough for yours truly [Wink!].)

Oh, and you Sunnis and Shiites? One last thing. There's this great episode of Star Trek in which Captain Kirk and the whole Enterprise gang come across these 2 dudes, entirely black on one side and white on the other, bickering and being really mean to each other. We find out towards the end of the show that the reason they hate each other is because they're black and white on different sides of their bodies, like they're mirror images of each other, tint-wise. (It also turns out that they're the last of their kind left.) Get it? We don't know why, exactly, you people hate each other, but near as we can figure, the reasons are about as dumb as they were in that episode, too lame-inducingly stupid for even our poor Mr. Spock to comprehend, who couldn't even bring himself to use his formidable logic to justify a Vulcan Nerve Pinch Of Death™.

So the ball is in your court, guys. We'll see you in 3 months. Good luck.

Yours sincerely,

Uncle Sam (House and Senate Democratic Leadership*)

P.S. All Palestinians are hereby welcome to emigrate to Mexico. No questions asked. We promise. (They wouldn't be answered, after all.)

*2-for-1 testicle sale at the DNC – screw this up and it's, "Hello, Farrightwinginsaneville, population: Indefinite Occupation!"