Thursday, May 31, 2007

Jesus Camp, A DVD Review

Holy shit. Literally. This could quite possibly be the scariest movie I've ever seen, not including Gigli. I don't know who's more terrifying: The kids or the parents. (Hint: The parents. Why? Because by definition they've had "the sex". With someone else. Willingly. [takes shower])

I haven't been this pissed off about a movie since Paramount halted production on the sequel to From Justin to Kelly. I.e., really pissed off. (Word on the street is that the working title was From Justin to Kelly 2: Which One's Not A Girl?)

Don't get me wrong. I've got nothing against Evangelical Christians. I just think they should be sterilized. They should be used in lab experiments in place of rats. Why? Because rats have redeeming qualities.

The events in Jesus Camp fall just short of child abuse.

Don't get me wrong. I've got nothing against Jesus. I just think that people who manipulate kids who don't have the self-awareness to realize they're being used in His name should be executed. And then sent to prison.

Haggard's cameo was a nice touch. I think he's way too ugly to be gay. Then again, I've got impossibly high standards. Either way, that's one creepy faggot.

The most moving parts of the documentary are when these carnival freaks magically start speaking in a language they don't know because it doesn't really exist on account of it being meaningless gibberish. Nice save.

Here's a fresh approach: Instead of banning Harry Potter movies, why not pray to Jesus to help you lose about 150 pounds, you giant cunt?

If heaven is filled with these sorts of people, I'll take hell any day of the week and twice on Sundays.

Christian Heavy Metal? Where's your fucking pod, you insane retard? Stop breathing my air.

Believe it or not, it was fun for the whole family. But I kept waiting for Jesus to come back and start chopping these people's heads off with s scythe. Boy was I ever disappointed.

Then end.