Dear Theatergoing Yobs

No, it is not okay for you to position your elbow on my nutsack.

Freedom of speech does not mean you get to yell "Fire!" in a crowded theater. Similarly, your ticket does not entitle you to tie your shoe in the doorway.

If, for some insane reason, you wish to eat at Bubba Gump Shrimp company, that is your affair. Carrying your stinky day-old Bubba Gump doggy-bag into the theater and munching loudly on "shrimp" (or whatever that thing is that smells like the dead moles my dachsund used to bring home) is frowned upon.

Lozenges. Fine, have your damn lozenges. But if you're going to need a lozenge, keep it handy, not in the darkest recesses of your purse or pocket in a bed of braying, cacophonous change. Try heroin, it's much quieter.

If you need the play translated into Russian, I suggest watching the play in Russia.

If you are struck by the intense need to go to the bathroom, then I suppose you must go. However, there is no such thing as an "intense need" to return to your seat during the performance.

Oh Jesus Christ. That's disgusting.

Your eighth-grade role as Kurt in "The Sound of Music" does not entitle you to sing along on Broadway.

Another standing ovation. Did I miss the new rule that requires us to give standing ovations to any two-bit street performer? I don't think I did.



Compiled after a particularly bad night at a performance of Spring Awakening, which is a pretty good show, although it's no Avenue Q. Think of an R-rated after school special where the moral is to have more sex.