Thursday, April 05, 2007

Underfunded Troops In Iraq Is A Great Idea

Congress Suffers Troop Withdrawal Symptoms: Integrity Shakes, Political Vomiting, Moral Diarrhea
•Syria Negotiates Peace Treaty With People's Republic Of Berkeley
I Want The Taxes I've Paid To My Government Back, Misappropriation Of Funds, Blackmail, Usury, Insider Traitoring, Rape

Well I don't know about you, but it's beginning to look a lot like Christians are less concerned about their spiritual health and more concerned about their fiscal wealth, because throwing the baby out with the bathwater almost always leads to a dirty baby and a damp spot under the window.

Still, are we winning the war with surgery? Probably. Are we defeating Stalislamofascimocracy around the globe, our planet, earth? Sure. Is Lebanon "feeling the love"? You know it, baby!

But in these confusing times of terrorble tortured logic, one thing we can all agree on is that underfunded troops is a great idea.

They'll learn valuable life-lessons they can carry with them in their return to civilian life, if they ever get to leave not being dead

Without properly armored Humvees, they'll learn to scavenge for scrap metal and apprentice in the lucrative field of welding. Without adequate body armor, they'll learn the oft clichéd though highly regarded art of "dodging bullets", literally. And without a proportional troop surge to support those who are on their 5th tour of duty, they'll die not living forever.

Fewer troops in Iraq means a lower unemployment rate amongst military personnel currently deployed in Iraq

Which means there's always something to do, less boredom, and, therefore, higher troop morale. Nothing ruins a battalion's mood quicker than firefight ennui. And I won't even mention the fact that a thrifty military workforce is an excellent example for the entire region to follow.

Europe will be forced to chip in and start doing their fare share and start pulling their wait


Okay, Pierre McStinkyton: Put down the Gitane and the Vichy water, pick up a gun and some deodorant, and start shooting anything that moves. Or, rather:

Grab your weapons, citizens!
Form your batallions!
Let us march! Let us march!
May impure blood
Water [their] fields!
(I was going to insert a Satre joke here, but then I thought, "What's the point?")

[cricket chirp]

Fewer troops in Iraq means by its very definition that fewer troops will be blown up into millions of little pieces by IEDs

Face it folks: It's become a pretty unpopular war. And one surefire way to redeem this police action from the bottom of the Nielson Ratings is to have fewer flag-draped coffins returning stateside that we never see splattered across our TV screens every night. You do the math.

The war would probably be prosecuted better were it being run by Joe Garagiola with a busted cell phone and the guys from Minikiss


Dang it! Wrong list. Again. Why do I keep doing that? Mea cupola. [cough]

We're teaching Iran a lesson

Namely, we'll fight a war whether we want to or not, whether we know what we're doing or not, whether it's justifiable or not, whether it's winnable or not. That'll keep that mostly non-towel-headed freakshow Ahmadinejad on his hairy little toes.

An underfounded [sic] war in The Middle East means Israel can start shooting first and asking questions never

The thing about that whole "Israel Problem" is that it's not really a problem at all. We've always had each others' backs, and we always will. Letting this little Iraq "skirmish" snowball into World War 3 might just be the quickest way to thin the Islamic herd, if you catch my drift.

So, to sum up: Underfunded troops is a great idea because of "being all that you can be" operating from a deficit, welfare doles, La Resistance Francaise (Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha! Ooh la la!), body bags bought in bulk, rock&rolling all night/partying every day, Brinkmanship: Mr. Magoo Edition, and forced evolutionary eugenical religionism.

I think it might be time for one of those reality bites the kids are so crazy about these days, because I feel like I'm watching a cross between Big Brother and Access Hollywood. That can't be pretty.


Keifus said...

What, you even do earworms unintentionally?

Oh, it's beginning to look a lot like Christians
Are less concerned
About their spiritual health
About their fiscal wealth
Because throwing the baby out leads to a baby under the windoooow

Or something. Rock on, America-hater.

twiffer said...

keif, i can't imagine switters unintentionally letting an earworm loose. he's evil that way.