Monday, April 02, 2007

Intel Leak, NAMBLA Saves Day (Part I?)

(This one's a bit… odd. But I wanted to try something, just to see if I could pull it off. Feedback, as always, quite welcome. Thanks.)

Secret "Gardeners" Plan "Landscape Redesign" For Middle East's "Leech Field"
•Covert "Tree Service" Contracted To "Remove" Large "Cedar" From Israel's "Backyard"
OLMERT: "WE'RE GONNA NEED A BIGGER 'STUMP GRINDER'" [makes quotation mark thingies with raised hands on either side of head]
Land Of Milk And Honey Desert Of Sticks And Stones

Uh-oh. Hold on to your man-dress and hide the detonator, because it looks like our beloved Israelis™ may or may not be ready to step up to Elijah's plate and drink his wine. And the timing couldn't be more perfect, what with the celebration of the savage murder of their king and all coinciding yet again with being passed over and out.

It's just that this time the writing's on the wailing wall. I haven't seen this much botched political posturing since John Kerry aborted and then mowed down all those American babies in the Mekong Delta with his swiftboat back in '68.

What follows is a previously redacted document leaked from the Pentagon. Since I minored in cryptography, I was able to cut through the censored bits like white on rice. (Though it didn't hurt that the redacted sections were redacted with disappearing ink. One too many missing links in that chain of intelligence, methinks.)

Some of the documents were emails and memos, so I retained their form, where I could, and then I completely disregarded them because I suspected a hoax. But most of the pertinent ones were Instant Messages, so you can imagine my shock and horror when I realized I had to comb through all that chatty-cathy bullshit just to get to the substance of the matter. (I couldn't edit out all the "soft porn" because the context is crucial for the payoff.)

It wasn't hard hacking into the DoD's mainframe; the hard part was backing out through Department of State's online dating service without being hit on. Let's just say there were none too few awkward moments and not a little "back pedaling".

So, submitted for your consideration: A grateful nation sings. Read 'em and weep, literally.


02-07-07
RumpRanger007 (5:37:50 PM): are they those knit shorts?
Man_Hole_Mossad (5:39:10 PM): yeah… the blue ones.
RumpRanger007 (5:39:46 PM): omg! i love those! :>0
Man_Hole_Mossad (5:41:03 PM): lol
RumpRanger007 (5:43:14 PM): lol
RumpRanger007 (5:44:32 PM): hey, are you in a position to kill ahmadinejad this weekend?
Man_Hole_Mossad (5:45:33 PM): 4 sure, i'll do it fri night after my pedicure.
RumpRanger007 (5:46:56 PM): cool!
Man_Hole_Mossad (5:47:21 PM): lol

02-07-07
CIAnalList (7:12:34 PM): that's how i do it, makes it easier to clean the pillow. lol
RumpRanger007 (7:13:14 PM): lol. i'd just flip it over. lol.
CIAnalList (7:14:24 PM): lol. it's so hot here, my hotel room is like a pizza oven with all those italian guys in wife beaters. hot hot hot!!!
RumpRanger007 (7:16:35 PM): that sounds hot alright! ;>o are you sweaty?
CIAnalList (7:18:46 PM): a little. i took my shirt off… now i'm just in my boxer briefs…
RumpRanger007 (7:21:10 PM): stop, u r driving me crazy!!! wish i was there :>(
CIAnalList (7:22:39 PM): me too :o(
RumpRanger007 (7:23:56 PM): ;o) hey, manhole's doing ahmad fri night.
CIAnalList (7:25:15 PM): this fri?
RumpRanger007 (7:26:25 PM): yeah. woohoo!
CIAnalList (7:28:35 PM) : ahmadinejad's in orlando all weekend; got multi-day-park passes
RumpRanger007 (7:29:00 PM): fuck!
CIAnalList (7:31:03 PM): taking the whole family, out of pocket most of next week
RumpRanger007 (7:33:54 PM): shit, I gotta go
CIAnalList (7:35:34 PM): okay, i know the routine, good luck, lol
RumpRanger007 (7:37:05 PM): lol

02-07-07
Man_Hole_Mossad (8:34:22 PM): he's sooooo easy, what a whore! lmao
MI69 (8:35:44 PM): such a whore, lol! 'sup?
Man_Hole_Mossad (8:36:35 PM): not much. i'm icing ahmadine fri, prolly do it after intimate dinner with steve
MI69 (8:38:56 PM): u still seeing that bitch! %>( he's kinda dumb. i don't care if he single-handedly invaded lebanon last year to make it look like the idf killed civilians. he's a doofus. lol
Man_Hole_Mossad (8:38: 49 PM): lol. i know. but i'm really into looks. anyways, i guess i could either sneak into the palace and slit his throat, or just take him out from a mile away on some rooftop. i excelled at snipery on the farm. lol
MI69 (8:41:12 PM): rotflmao! that and cattiness. what the hell are you talking about? slit whose throat?
Man_Hole_Mossad (8:42:59 PM): ahmadinejad. he's toast tomorrow night
MI69 (8:44:10 PM): well, that'll be a neat trick, considering he's been in rio since last monday and plans on popping over to p diddy's white party in cabo. so before you start capping people's asses you might want to check the guest list.
Man_Hole_Mossad (8:47:13 PM): seriously? wtf? puff blew me off a month ago at spago's so i've not returned any calls. guess i burned that bridge a tad on the too soon side. lol
Man_Hole_Mossad (8:48:53 PM): hang on, some1's giving me an urgent thingie. gotta go.
MI69 (8:49:10 PM):l8er ;o)

02-07-07
RumpRanger007 (8:50:58 PM): abort the assassination. ahmad's at disneyworld. supposed to be there all week.
Man_Hole_Mossad (8:52:10 PM): er, i just heard he'll be in cabo next week. where are you getting your information?
RumpRanger007 (8:53:25 PM): same place we all get it, star magazine. anyway, forget the whole thing.
Man_Hole_Mossad (8:55:33 PM): well fuck. where the hell is he? great. now i'm stressed out, and this humidity is giving me split ends. christ.
RumpRanger007 (8:58:30 PM): sorry. try to relax. i always bring an extra bottle of conditioner when i'm over there. nexus makes this great deep cleansing solution that you use before you shampoo, clears the ends right up. surely you can get some.
Man_Hole_Mossad (9:01:40 PM): brilliant. i'll just stroll on over to the tehran cvs store and ask the dude behind the counter if he'd like to blow my head off before or after I put in my pin number. idiot.
RumpRanger007 (9:04:23 PM): meeeeoooow. simmer down, betty. just put in some mousse.
Man_Hole_Mossad (9:05:48 PM): i didn't bring any fucking mousse!!! i was supposed to be in this shit hole 24 hrs max. oh, did i mention i forgot to pack any kiehl's? my pores look like someone hit me in the face with a dog brush.
RumpRanger007 (9:07:01 PM): ouch. well, concealer: it's not just for women any more…
Man_Hole_Mossad (9:08:59 PM): yeah, well. i was told specifically by my station chief that ahmad had to be dead as a bag of mud sunday pm at the very latest. it's my understanding everyone/thing's in place. give me some good news.
RumpRanger007 (9:10:11 PM): uhh… there's a rumor cher may be coming out with a new cd.
Man_Hole_Mossad (9:12:37 PM): sweet! at least the entire world hasn't gone completely insane. standing by. for cher. and for the other thing…
RumpRanger007 (9:14:56 PM): yeah, it's supposed to be the ultimate duet album, with josh grobin, clay aiken, bono, the lead singer from danzig, andrea bocelli, eminem, kd lang, beyonce, marilyn manson, justin timberlake, there's a rumor she's even gonna be a guest judge this season on Idol. just fabulous. keep your fingers crossed…

02-07-07
CIAnalList (9:17:07 PM): so i'm fuckin' this guy up the ass the other night, and afterwards he wants to cuddle. what a fag!
RumpRanger007 (9:20:01 PM): yeah, i do love that joke. lol
CIAnalList (9:21:45 PM): classic. lol
RumpRanger007 (9:23:25 PM): say, i've got another good joke: how in the fuck can ahmedinejad be in florida when he's actually in south america? i just heard he's laying low there till diddy's white fete. what gives?

02-07-07
GManLove (9:35:45 PM): uhh… okay, that's not "tossing the salad", that's a rimjob. big difference. anyways, dinejad's deader than charlize theron's career. let's just say one of the 17 secret herbs and spices in his falafel wasn't curry
MI69 (9:37:52 PM): i hope you're kidding. latest intel places ahmad either in orlando or rio, though you have to admit they're basically the same place when you get around to it.
GManLove (9:39:43 PM): then who did I just kill? either the president of iran is dead, or there's gonna be one pretty unhappy family of a tucson marriot shuttlebus driver come sunup. lol.
MI69 (9:40:05 PM): lol
GManLove (9:43:50 PM): lol
MI69 (9:41:23 PM) lol… wait, that's not really funny. uh-oh…
GManLove (9:43:10 PM): lol
To be continued?…

2 comments:

august said...

The "garden" bit reminded me of an Elton John song. Otherwise, funny. But I did start to wonder how much time you spent getting the time stamps right...

Schadenfreude said...

Dear self-involved-asshole:

You know who I never see over at my site? Visitors from Alabama, that's who.