Timelines: Defining Victory And Defeat

•Massive Brain Transmogrification Epidemic Sweeps Through Nation's Capital
•Trent Lott Marries Jeff Sessions In Show Of Solidarity, John Ashcroft's "Eagle" Soars At Reception
•BARNEY FRANK FOUND HIDING IN CLOSET
•Hillary Trashes Des Moines Hotel Room, Rightwing Goat Roasting Evangelical Christian Secret Sorority Initiation Ceremony Suspected

So I hear John McCain on my radio last night saying that even a 2nd-year military academy cadet will tell you that the best way to guarantee defeat is to tell the enemy when you're leaving, or something. Then that other guy (No, not him. The other one – the one from Ohio.) says we've just told the insurgency to rearm, refit, and recon till March 2008.

And that's when it hit me: Those of the war-hawkish variety are the pussies, turns out. It's the folks calling for a withdrawal next year who are the real warmongers. It's just that neither side is non-retarded enough to know how the fuck to spin it correctly. Shocking, considering each politician has a staff of 38 devoted to spin alone.

It's not that complicated.

The Republicans are essentially saying that we can't win The War On Terror™: Iraq Edition, Part 5 in one year.

What? Hey, this is Ameri-fuckin'-ca. You've had 4 years! George Herbert Walker "The Man" Bush won the first Gulf War in, like, 20 minutes, and all y'all are bitching about budgets and materials and timelines and redeployment? Where's Brent Scowcroft when you need him?

Meanwhile, the Democrats are basically saying, "Yeah, give us a year. We'll put 750,000 swinging dicks on the ground in and around the greater Fallujah Metropolitan Area. Get it together, man up, and take a little personal responsibility for your own safety and welfare, folks, or by the time March 2008 rolls around, Iraq's gonna look like the fuckin' moon. You think we're kidding? I've got your "shock & awe™" right here, baby. Watch this."

Okay, so they're not saying that. But if any of them had a brain between them, they would. Why is everyone so afraid of the obvious, tedious, soul-mincing truth these days?

Oh, that's right: Nobody really knows what "the truth" is. Got it.

One final note: Like it or not, House and Senate Democrats wasted your and their time, money and effort debating and passing a bill that the president vowed from the very get-go to veto with the vehemence of a 9th grade bully. The proposal, in whatever incarnation, had absolutely no chance whatsoever of passing or changing anything or making a difference. Which means House and Senate Democrats are behaving exactly like the folks they're purportedly supposed to be checking and balancing.

I've said it before and I'll say it again: Democracy is not a viable form of governmentism precisely because we've got too many choices, and not enough choosers. Nobody won anything with this latest resolution, and the only losers are the troops. Again.

And for the love of god, get us out of the U.N.!

Man, I'm tired of being right all the time.