Turns out we're winning the war in Iraq

It's just that we're winning in such a way that you idiotic dipshits are too ignorant to understand just exactly how we are, in fact, winning. It.

So a half-dozen or so American G.I.s got killed over the weekend

Big deal, Mr. glass-half-empty. Why not consider the fact that about 158,973 G.I.s didn’t get killed. I bet you're the sort of person who whines about how the number of suicide bombers in Iraq is up around 350%. There's no connection between that and the invasion, Dour von Pessimisticstein. Grow up.

So the war's costing the taxpayers of The United States $5 billion a week

Listen, stupid. Why do you think our Commander-in-Chief is trying to make those tax cuts permanent? Are you that brain dead? So that when our taxes get raised, and they will when those godless, whoring Demoncrats are calling the shots, our tax revenue as a nation will sky rocket. It's like when I got up to smoking 2 packs of cigarettes a day, I was going to quit, until I realized that if I waited until I was up to 4 packs a day, I'd be saving twice as much mullah. Ka-ching! It's so elegantly simple.

So hundreds of thousands of Iraqi citizens are dying needlessly

Is that so? Really? Well let me ask you this: If civilian deaths are meaningless, isn't that tantamount to saying that dying for freedom is meaningless? Pretty callous there, Hippie Q. McLeftyton. Why don't you tell that to our troops who are fighting and dying over there so that you're free, free to get your soy paste and mashed yeast or whatever the hell you tree-hugging, pacifist losers eat. Go ahead. Tell them. Oh wait. You can't. They're dead. I guess the joke's on you, asshat.

So we dropped the ball in Afghanistan

We did, did we? I thought it was more like we dropped the bomb on Afghanistan. 3 words: "Shock & Awe". Those batshit insane Taliban ragtops will think twice before they come to visit the U.S. and insult our female reporters. Again. Mission accomplished indeed.

So there's a powder keg brewing in the Middle East between Israel, Lebanon and the Palestinians

Wow. Where'd you read that, Nostradamus: Painful Grasp of the Obvious Monthly? !!!NEWSFLASH!!! There has always been, and there will always be, strained relations between Israel and everyone around her. Why do you think we're building that 700-mile fence along the Mexican border? Let's just say there's been a precedent set. Get a clue! Honestly.

So what if Iran is looking to go nuclear

Good one, doofus! The day Iran develops the bomb is the day North Korea has a million-man army. It just ain't gonna happen, chucklehead.

So what if it appears not all of the news coming out of Iraq is good

Of course it's not all good, idiot. If all of the news coming out of Iraq were good, then there'd be no point in us being there. The fact that we are in Iraq means by definition that something's gone awry. Which means it's a pretty good fucking thing we're over there already. Why do you hate our troops so much, anyway?

So what if we don't have enough troops on the ground in Iraq

Jesus Christ! Why don't you just hand the insurgency the keys to the Lincoln bedroom? Man. If we were to send more troops now, how do you think that would look to those terrorists? I'll tell you how it'd look. It'd look like we were losing. Winning the war in Iraq and sending more troops is a mixed message that none of us can afford to decode right now, a message that would come off as particularly hurtful to the troops who are already over there and not dead yet, a message that says for all intents and purposes, "You're not good enough, G.I. Joe. We're calling for back up and sending in our ace reliever."

Go ahead and criticize his haircut while you're at it, Captain Cheap Shot.

So it's been over 3 years now

Are you kidding me? Are you? 3 years is nothing. May I remind you of a little thing called World War 2? That bad boy involved most of Europe, Japan, Russia, not to mention Canada, and went on for like 23 years or something. We bail now, and before you know it, Aballah bin Insane will be marching down Main Street USA right into downtown Islamofascistberg, population: [ka-BLAMMO!!!] Thanks for the input, Hillary-lover.

So our reputation in the world has become less than stellar

Know what? Fuck'em. I don't recall France complaining too much when we liberated Paris after they'd practically given Hitler a walking tour. If you're making an omelette, there's a pretty good chance some eggs will get broken along the way.

So we as citizens are not informed by our media outlets as thoroughly as we ought to be with regard to things related or pertaining to the Iraq campaign and everything that led up to it and what our plans are for the future or anything

[sigh] Well I for one am grateful. I mean, who has the time? You try keeping up with 6 reality shows, 5 one hour-long dramas (season premier of Medium Wednesday!), 7 sitcoms, and 1 and 1/2 soap operas. You try keeping up with our favorite celebrities, movie stars, musical performers and celebutantes, their goings-on, their new loves, their old loves, their new babies, their old babies, their new movies, and their old ones too. It's mind-boggling!

You know, some fluff piece about a Baghdad orphan with half his face blown off by a nail bomb isn't the most seamless segue into Access Hollywood's "Special Report" on the Brivin Speaderline breakup. Let's work on that delivery, Brian Williams. Casino Royale isn't exactly going to promote itself.

So to sum up: We're winning the war in Iraq because of not yet dead G.I.s, tobacco, treason, sand negroes, Jews (again), the North Korean National Defense Fund, self-fulfilling prophecy, self-esteem, patience, Tony Blair, and American Idol.

Now, don't you have some logic to torture somewhere, Head N. Sand? Yeah, that's what I thought.