Wednesday, November 29, 2006

Rudie's Rants: Rudie Has A Headache And It's Your Fault

Far be it from Rudie to mince words, as you well know. He has a headache, and yes, it is your fault. You. Not the guy standing behind you... well him too, but we're talking about you here. Let's try to stay focused, take your Ritalin if you must.

Rudie has gone off at length in the past about what general contempt and disregard he holds the human race, and there is no reason to doubt the merit of those reactions... there are simply no signs that humanity's predilections for stupidity, barbarism, and cultural irrelevancy are in any way abating. Those occasional flashes of penultimate worth you see are nothing more than a mirage... fleeting glimpses of what could be... just before someone pours industrial runoff through it, then takes a dump on top for good measure.

Yep. You all suck.

But like he says, Rudie does not mince words. Rudie, being a willing accomplice in the con that is our pitiful existence, sucks too. Sucks out loud, if you really want to know the truth. One cannot be purely contemptuous if one participates willfully in what one despises, and in this regard, Rudie is just as damn guilty as the rest of you simps in propagating the sham that pits a cruel creator against his flawed, dullard, hapless charges.

But this time, Rudie's headache is really all your fault.

Rudie can accept the fact that most of you are about 3 IQ points above the "hey, I'm a sentient being" cutoff line, while the rest are several dozen points below. Of this latter group, Rudie must ask, if he cut out your conscience, intellect, and sense of propriety, much like a farmer cuts off the head of a chicken, would you just mill about in a circle eating your own feces? In other words, would nothing change?

Just curious. Digression is a tempting indulgence, and Rudie will indulge.

But what Rudie has come to expect from the human race is at least a passing interest in fobbing oneself off as something slightly more civilized, better groomed, and more intelligent than the village idiot just after he suffers a self-inflicted brain injury involving a precarious and ill-advised jaunt along the rooftops... something about gravity does not suffer fools.

And here's where the headache comes in. While Rudie is content to accept the idiocy, vituperousness, and general ill will of the human race as de rigeur he's becoming more than just a little pissed about the blatancy of it all.

And you're just as guilty as anyone else. Paying for a pack of smokes at a 7-11 with a credit card? This all whilst Rudie stands two assholes back with a 24oz of poor, insipidly brewed go-juice in three fingers on his right hand, two singles gripped between the other two, and his whole left hand squeezing the shit out of his ballsack to induce greater pain and suffering than the goony moronitude being displayed is causing him.

Did you buy a minivan, SUV, or other Family Truckster in Metallic Pea? Rudie knows you bought it because of "the children". Now could you please explain to him why the only thing he ever sees in your Familyvaluesmobile is a consumerist fuckwit and a pile of shit from Pottery Barn? Excuse Rudie while he cracks his own skull with your tire iron and rams the jack up his own ass. No lube, thanks.

And in this gloriously vulgar age of instant video shorts authored by 12-year-olds with handheld devices possessing more computing power than my desktop, and richer video editing features than Industrial Light and Magic... where everything of even passing interest to at least two people shows up on YouTube no later than 15 minutes after it actually happened (complete with professional bumps and lead-in commentary, no less)... politicians have the audacity to claim that they didn't say something when there's enough shit on "teh internets" to damn them to the 14th Circle of Heck. To add the insult to the salted wound of the injury, some people actually buy the bullshit. To these "some," as Douglas Adams once opined, "the secret is to bang the rocks together, guys".

Speaking of handheld devices... have you ever "shushed" somebody in a public place because you can't hear the person you're talking to on your cellphone?

Seppuku is actually starting to sound like a completely reasonable act.

Rudie cannot believe he's saying this, but in the interest of the ongoing migraine he suffers on account of your utter lack of manners, morals, intelligence...

People, take better care to hide your stupid, please.


Schadenfreude said...


"the secret is to bang the rocks together, guys."

If you must steal, steal from the best.

Elbo Ruum said...

Is this the sort of thing we're discussing on that whole other post?

Very well, attributions aplenty.


Schadenfreude said...

Minor transgression - and not an uncommon one (I've stolen that line myself).

Keifus said...

You have a headache and it's my fault?

....Sweetie, is that you?