Monday, November 20, 2006

How I (would have) Framed O.J.

Dear Harper Collins,

I have observed with mounting excitement the manner in which you are capitalizing on the publicity generated by the O.J. Simpson case. I applaud your recognition of the profit to be gained through facilitating Mr. Simpson’s venality, and it was a stroke of genius to defer the expense of promotion to the predictable media frenzy generated by the book’s release. I tip my hat to your marketing department.

I was particularly impressed with the number of salacious and controversial elements that you employed throughout the story: celebrity, racial tension, clandstine sex, betrayal, police misconduct, and miscarriage of justice are all used in good service of the public’s appetite for defilement. However, while I thought the story contained some wonderful twists, I found it lacking somewhat in the sort of lurid detail that would truly satisfy its readers’ morbid fascination with the grotesque. For example, with its relatively straightforward stabbing of Ron and Nicole, the “juiciest” part of the story is over all too quickly. In ordure to draw that out, the killer might have undertaken some impromtu torture of his victims after bursting in on them flagrante delicto. A three-way tussle on the bed could have been used to titillating effect, prior to Ron and Nicole being dispatched with O.J.’s glinting dagger, and while a ritual castration of Ron might have tested the audience’s credulity, what reader could resist the scarring for life of little children forced to witness their mother’s murder?

I realize I’m armchair-quarterbacking here, so let me get straight to the point:
Further opportunities to profit from this case present themselves to those willing to exploit them. I propose a new project: “How I would have Framed O.J., if I’d done it. I’m not talking of framing him for the two aforementioned murders—that cow has been milked, the pig has been skinned, and it's time to move on. What I’m suggesting is a story wherein O.J. is arrested, tried and convicted for the grisly sex-slaying of his young pool boy, Jorge. Jorge, a former Nicaraguan street urchin, will be found in bed next to an unconscious O.J., who will be covered in the dead boy’s blood.

In order to ensure that our intrepid protagonist will not this time evade a murder conviction, special evidence will be planted that will not only seal the case against him, but will add to the story that special element of vulgar novelty for which readers slaver. In order to attain this evidence I’ll employ a technique used by cattle breeders to extract semen from a reluctant bull. When that anal probe delivers its shock to O.J.’s prostate, it won’t matter how much rohypnol he’s ingested, he'll spit out the DNA sample I require. I’ll transfer the sample to the boy’s body just prior to alerting the police, and then I'll go home and set down in words all the colourful details while they're still fresh in my mind.

In order to gain the greatest loft on the media bubble that this case will surely generate, I will contract with Harper Collins to deliver the manuscript to press by the time the judge delivers the death sentence. In addition to contracting with O.J. for a second book, I suggest Harper Collins supply O.J.’s defense counsel for the case, thereby gaining access to the appeals process post conviction. Mark Fuhrman might also be approached to do case analysis.


TenaciousK said...

Future projects:

Pedophilia: What I would have done, if I were that twisted.

The Green River Killer: My Imaginary Confession.

Does Osama get a book deal? When can we expect Saddam to enter the ring?

and of course...

Dick Cheney: What Halliburton might've wanted, even though it was really about national security.

I guess the trick is to get tried, and then acquitted (can't profit from a crime you've been convicted of, and don't want to give out evidence before acquittal). So you're right - prior planning is the only way to guarantee success. In your case, you could get contracts with everyone involved with the case - cover your bets.

Bonus solution - the publisher gets charged as an accessory, then acquitted.

I should be a literary agent. There's a goldmine out there!