Wednesday, September 19, 2007

Jesus' Disciples Were Incompetent Retards

Jesus' Disciples Were Incompetent Retards
-By switters

[!Rerun Alert! (sort of) for my loyal readers]


Jesus' disciples were incompetent retards. Seriously. I think that's why he had to speak to them in parables: Because they were so lame-inducingly stupid. And in many cases, and to Jesus' own exasperation, even that didn't work.

When Jesus told Peter he was going to make them "fishermen of men", he asked, "What bait shall we use?" while Luke started going around putting hooks into complete strangers' lips with a fly rod, ushering in the whole "fishhook in the mouth" look. Idiot!

Thomas didn't believe it was Jesus until he felt the holes in Jesus' hands and feet, even though the wounds he was feeling belonged to, well, Jesus, who at the time was standing right there in front of him!!! Dumbass!

Judas dropped a dime on him and fingered him to the cops by planting one right on his kisser. Nimrod!

Matthew accidentally audited himself and nearly bankrupted the entire operation. Dolt!

John (The Divine [Whatever!]) had a 10 gold coin-a-day psychotropic drug habit. And he was a gay man of the homosexual persuasion. Loser!

Andrew inadvertently drank Elijah's wine at The Last Supper while Philip said, "Yuck!" at the prospect of eating Jesus' body and blood. And they let Jesus pick up the tab. Stupid and ill-mannered. Doofuses!

And when James was passing out food from the basket with 5 loaves of bread and 2 fish in it which Jesus had blessed, he kept muttering to no one in particular, "What the hell is going on?! Where is all this bread and fish coming from!? And where are the chips? This can't be good." (God help him!)

See? Jesus' disciples really were incompetent retards. And now you know how. Why, Mary Magdelena was the only one with half a brain in her head, for heaven's sake. But cut her some slack; she was a woman. (Or was she!)

Have a great day!

(Inspired, obviously, by the legendary "Jesus Had It Coming" post, lost to the archives, perhaps forever.)