Friday, September 14, 2007

Blogging The State Of The Iraq War Speech Drunk And Stoned

Prez Endorses "Plan About Nothing"
I Haven't Been This Scared Of My Government Since H.W. Puked On That Nip
S.U.R.G.E.: "Sudden Uncontrollable Rioting Gets Explosive"

(So I'm watching The NBC Nightly News With Brian Williams for whatever reason [it was pouring down rain], and this Tampax [I think] commercial comes on where a tampon is a roller coaster car going up and down all those hills and twists and turns, and I'm thinking, "What happened to riding a horse, or beach volleyball, or Couples Chicken in the neighbor's pool?" I guess Tampax is going after that always ubiquitous and much aimed-at demographic, I-want-my-tampon-to-be-like-Batman: The Ride-at-The Six Flags Over Georgia crowd. Ubiquitous. Just thought you should know. Anyways...)

-Wait. This guy's the president? Of the United States? Of America? Oh, man.

-The 1st ever broadcast of a Presidential Address in High Definition. "High Definition". Does anyone else laugh maniacally at that ironical phrase, other than Cheney (while he's chomping his Sugar Frosted Flakes cereal)?

-I love these "trips down memory lane" where we're told what we've accomplished, who's not dead yet, freedom, democracy, ice cream. Good times. It'd be nice if it weren't so... scripted. Literally.

-He's drunk.

-Is it just me, or man are his eyes really close together? Man.

"Prah-tray-us" is the new "nuke-you-ler".

-He's drunk. He's really really drunk.

-It's true: 2 term presidents don't age particularly well. Remember Clinton? Those bags under his eyes got to be so big that the White House press conference makeup gal had to start packing Preparation H just to keep them from looking like you could harvest caviar from them. Funny that "Clinton" has become such a handy epitaph for the right, seeing as how he did everything the current administration is undoing as we speak. The problem is, love him or hate him, Clinton elevated what it means to be president to heights that'll be studied in Ph.D. programs political science majors will marvel at for years to come, for better or worse. And that's just the right-leaning retards with the confused looks wrapping themselves with (okay, hiding beneath) the flag with stripes whose meaning eludes each and every one of them.

-Boy is he ever drunk. Whoa. If I weren't so drunk and stoned I'd be terrified. Again.

-On several occasions, the video feed blinked, and all I could think of was, "KHAAAAAAAN!!!"

-When he was talking about the dead Anbar ruler dude, I thought, "What year is it?" Did you not just talk to that cat a couple days ago? And now he's dead? And now you're giving this little mini-tribute to a dead Iraqi national who's dead, someone who may or may not have helped with the transition of power, and now he's dead? And you'll sleep the sleep of the just tonight, knowing all that? What might've been? All this talk of war heroes makes me blanche.

-Drunk drunk drunk drunk drunk. Phew.

-9/11? Wait. That really happened? That fat police guy who sings that awful song during the point in time when it's supposed to be "Take Me Out To The Ball Game" is singing that for a reason? That's certainly not closure.

-"I'm Jack Reed. You don't know me, but the speech I'm about to give is in rebuttal to what the president just said. It's just that anything I say can be immediately discounted because it turns out there's absolutely no reason compelling me to be forthright and honest. Which I think is a perfect rebuttal, given the circumstances. I.e., we're fucked. I don't know why we're fucked, but everyone else is saying it, so I just thought I'd echo a sentiment that in no way ameliorates our fuckedness. God bless America. Maybe it'll take this time."

-"Military issue" versus "political issue". Okay, what's the difference, again? Is it the calibre of gun you're allowed to conceal, or is it a matter of being aware of who possibly is hamstringing you while stabbing you in the back?

-10 billion dollars a month? What drug-dealing shylock holds that note?

-What a priceless moment when the speech morphed into The Office, and Michael did a so much better job of not sounding like he wasn't in charge. It was perfect. It went from Big Brother to Little (Retarded) Brother to Big Retarded Brother. Guess which of the 3 was actually likable. Never accuse me of not loving America.

-This is making me long for the days when the president of the United States didn't actually know he was lying. E.g., Reagan's "plausible deniability" has become Bush's "possible unaccountability". Enjoy that, voters.