Why Newt Gingrich Is Not A Hypocrite

•Former House Speaker Caught With Hand In Nookie Jar
•Contract With A Marriage Clause?
•"POWER IS ULTIMATE AFRODISIAC" ONLY WAY TO EXPLAIN GINGRICH HAVING SEX
•Congress/Senate Finally Reduced To Elaborate Suggestion Boxes

Don't look now, but word on the street is that The Newtster may or may not have "inserted his penis into a vagina" (Wink!), a vagina that may or may not have belonged to someone other than his wife at the time. And with ownership 4/5ths of the law amongst the Washington Press Corpse, I'll go out on a limb and say he's selling out. It's just that I don't think anybody's buying in.

Still, when "push comes to shove" (Wink!), aren't there more pressing matters on the horizon we'd be better off wringing our hands about, like Jenna's new book, the death of Boston's lead singer (Turns out that dizzy spell he had was "More Than A Feeling" [Wink!]), and Anna Nicole Smith's still being dead.

But one thing we can all be sure about is that Newt Gingrich is not a hypocrite.

What he had does not constitute sexual intercourse

Listen: Fumbling around on the sofa trying to work the bra strap and then prematurely ejaculating isn't exactly an affair to remember. Especially when the poor guy's all by himself. But that could just be me because I'm such a hopeless romantic.

He wasn't the president at the time

Let me ask y'all this, smartasses: Did Newt go on national television and say that he did not have sex with that woman? Did he? Looks like you'll be laughing out of the other side of your paternity pantsuit after all. Again.

He wasn't a Democrat at the time

Face it, folks: When Democratic legislators aren't having illicit sex with liberal prostitutes, they're out getting abortions from socialist doctors trying to de-privatize medicine. That's like a proctologist giving you "the finger".

You can't legislate what goes on in the bedroom any more than you can unring a bell. And I don't think being half a virgin has anything to do with trickle down economics, unless a "golden shower" is your idea of fiscal foreplay. Grow up.

Scooter Libby committed perjury

Er… Wait. That's a different post. Oops. Sorry.

It totally depends on what the definition of "is" was

What was it, by the way? Yeah, that's what I thought. Smooooth.

Monica Lewinsky is a whore

The gal Newt boned, on the other hand, was a fine, upstanding, very happily married woman who was a churchgoing mother of 3 with ties to orphanage funding and community building in an age when the closest thing we have to heroes are the guys who hit the play button on the Panasonic Rhythm Mate™ boombox so that our dead G.I.'s get "Taps" played at their funeral. (I wonder if the 21-gun salute is canned as well?)

Which goes a long way in explaining why…

Democrats hate family values

Affordable health care? Paid maternity leaves? Decent working conditions and fair wages? What the fuck does any of that have to do with "families"? Next thing you know those liberals will be deciding what we can and cannot do with our own bodies.

John McCain had a Vietcong baby out of wedlock during the 2000 presidential campaign tour in South Carolina

And then he lied about it. I mean seriously, McCain's flipflops are beginning to make John Kerry's look like Birkenstocks by comparison. I'm not sure exactly what that has to do with anything, but, well, there it is.

Coming out with the truth about your having had an extramarital affair during the same time you were impeaching a sitting president for lying about having an extramarital affair isn't hypocritical; it's ironic

Big difference, retard. Hypocracy gets, "Aha!" Irony gets, "Hmm…"

Hello? Is this thing on?

Contract With America absolves him of all guilt

Read 'em and weep, folks. And I quote:

1. THE FISCAL RESPONSIBILITY ACT: A balanced budget/tax limitation amendment and a legislative line-item veto to restore fiscal responsibility to an out- of-control Congress, requiring them to live under the same budget constraints as families and businesses.

2. THE TAKING BACK OUR STREETS ACT: An anti-crime package including stronger truth-in- sentencing, "good faith" exclusionary rule exemptions, effective death penalty provisions, and cuts in social spending from this summer's "crime" bill to fund prison construction and additional law enforcement to keep people secure in their neighborhoods and kids safe in their schools.

3. THE PERSONAL RESPONSIBILITY ACT: Discourage illegitimacy and teen pregnancy by prohibiting welfare to minor mothers and denying increased AFDC for additional children while on welfare, cut spending for welfare programs, and enact a tough two-years-and-out provision with work requirements to promote individual responsibility.

4. THE FAMILY REINFORCEMENT ACT: Child support enforcement, tax incentives for adoption, strengthening rights of parents in their children's education, stronger child pornography laws, and an elderly dependent care tax credit to reinforce the central role of families in American society.

5. THE AMERICAN DREAM RESTORATION ACT: A S500 per child tax credit, begin repeal of the marriage tax penalty, and creation of American Dream Savings Accounts to provide middle class tax relief.

6. THE NATIONAL SECURITY RESTORATION ACT: No U.S. troops under U.N. command and restoration of the essential parts of our national security funding to strengthen our national defense and maintain our credibility around the world.

7. THE SENIOR CITIZENS FAIRNESS ACT: Raise the Social Security earnings limit which currently forces seniors out of the work force, repeal the 1993 tax hikes on Social Security benefits and provide tax incentives for private long-term care insurance to let Older Americans keep more of what they have earned over the years.

8. THE JOB CREATION AND WAGE ENHANCEMENT ACT: Small business incentives, capital gains cut and indexation, neutral cost recovery, risk assessment/cost-benefit analysis, strengthening the Regulatory Flexibility Act and unfunded mandate reform to create jobs and raise worker wages.

9. THE COMMON SENSE LEGAL REFORM ACT: "Loser pays" laws, reasonable limits on punitive damages and reform of product liability laws to stem the endless tide of litigation.

10. THE CITIZEN LEGISLATURE ACT: A first-ever vote on term limits to replace career politicians with citizen legislators.

(11. THE SEX ACT: Newt Gingrich is hereby absolved of any guilt with regard to the engagement in, lying about or exaggerating of any sex act with another person who is not his wife at the time, regardless of that other person's race, religion, creed, color, age, consent, sexual disposition, relative attractiveness, profession, party affiliation, favorite position ("Venus Butterfly"! No contest!), undergraduate major, favorite 98 Degrees member (Jeff! No contest!), eye color, favorite original TV series "Mission Impossible" character (Barney! Though Mr. Spock was pretty cool!), nickname, country of birth, especially when said act may pertain to the possible running for the office of President of the United States of America. No exceptions.)

So, to sum up: Newt Gingrich is not a hypocrite because of arriving early, white trash, "lieberals", lying, advanced semiotic philology, the "slut factor" ("town jizz jar"), demofrats, "tweeners", not funny "ha ha", and the small print.

Sorry, folks. But the sooner we all realize we have virtually no say when it comes to matters of state, the longer we'll stay in the house listening to our favorite reality stories on our TV sets. It's a sad day in this country when a guy can't even brag about getting a blowjob and then gets punished for not bragging about it. Sad, sad, sad.