House Sentences American GIs To Death Back In Future

•Prez Readies Giant Custom Made "V-Toe!" Stamp
•Dead Iraq Veteran Backdoor Re-Enlisted, Promoted
•SPINACH STOCK SOARS IN CA, OR, WA, AFGHANISTAN
•Veep Dead 2 Years, No One Has Heart To Tell Him

Well that's just great. Don't look now, but word on the street is that House Democrats may or may not have put a loophole or 15,000 into The Emergency Spending Bill that makes Tom Delay's redistricting scheme look like a school bus fire drill by comparison. The short one. I haven't seen that much pork since Rosie O'Donnell had Oprah in a headlock at a "Lesbians for Peace!" antiwar rally in Santa Monica.

Which can only mean one thing: We're winning. Again.

Is The Surge™ working? Maybe. Do our troops have the right equipment and enough of it? I sure hope so. Are you better off than Iraq was 4 years ago? More likely than not, unless you happen to live in the 9th Ward.

But one thing we can all agree to be sure about is that The House of Representatives just sentenced thousands of American G.I.s to certain and sudden death back in the future.

The bill will take "an army of lawyers" to interpret

Way to go, you Democan'ts. That "army of lawyers" could be sent to Iraq to relieve some of the troops on their 3rd tour of duty so that they can be killed one week away from going home. But no. That army has to stay at home and pour over a document that has more to do with storing peanuts than it does with fighting terrorism.

Timelines mean only one thing: defeat

I mean, come on! Do you think we would've evacuated Hanoi that quickly if we'd planned on doing it 1 and 1/2 years earlier? Than we had? That's what I thought, pinhead.

Decisions in war are not made by civilian bureaucrats and legislators

They're made by generals. E.g., General Donald Rumsfeld. Any questions?

The Best defense is a good offense

You can't have it both ways, folks. Either we keep troop levels where they are indefinitely so that we can clear 4,000 dead Americans by the new year, or every last man, woman and child in America will burn to a crisp because of al Qaeda's fossil fuel burning. Those clever little sand negroes!

You can't go to war with the army you don't have or hope not to want some day

That's Warfare 101, kids. An army is made up of people, uniforms, weapons, vehicles and canteens. You remove just one of those variables and it might as well be just a bunch of guys at the auto show.

You can't hate freedom and love America

Pick a side, you Commucrats! If you don't leave it, love it. And this song that I'm singin' is so not about ya.

Spinach is dangerous

Remember what it did to Popeye? Imagine if those Iran—er, those Iraq insurgents got hold of a can or 2. Suicide bombers could take out entire city blocks! That would give an entirely new meaning to the phrase "seven layer salad". Yum! [belch]

The import/export business requires certain… adaptations

Especially when the item being imported/exported is, that's right, democracy. So yeah, there's gonna be some bumps along the way, some palms greased, some graft skimmed off the top. But in an age where our current foreign policy all but relies on the end justifying the means, it's a good fit, and everybody wins. (Minus the 4,000. They'll still be dead. But they'll be in heaven with Jesus and their grandparents. So strike that. Everybody wins; even the dead.)

So, to sum up: The House of Representatives just sentenced thousands of American G.I.s to certain and sudden death back in the future because of lawyers/guns/money, a culture of losing, General Gates, Hoosiers, "Pimp My Bradley", Merle The Pearl Haggard, kale smoothies, and Persian rug knockoffs at the Penny's.

Looks like you can have your cake and have it crammed down your throat, too.