This Week's Headlines

LinLo Lays Low, Phony Felony Flakes Fake Family Feud

Rehab's never been this fun. What gives? I'm just barely old enough to remember when rehabilitation meant a self-imposed (more or less) prison that makes the "Chained To The Radiator" scene in Black Snake Moan look like a 3-day weekend with the Olsen Twins at a Malibu beach house.

Why have these rehab centers in nice places? Put one in The Ninth Ward. "Okay, here's your trailer and here's a hammer. Go rebuild that dude's oyster shack. After that there's some latrine's that need a'cleanin'. Chop chop."

Clearly, total and complete blame can be confidently laid at the feet of Dina and Mike, her "parents". You'd probably be snorting Mongo Black Tar Heroin off the Tengu ladies room floor if you'd been raised by a creepy hothead with management anger problems and an even creepier airhead driven to destroy every last one of her kids with anger abandonment.

I'd hate to see Lindsay go the Brit Brit route, i.e, from "cash cow" to just, well, "cow". Still, to be fair, Brit had a huge headstart in that department.

Still, my favorite line from this whole fiasco is, "Uh... That's not my cocaine." Which is perfectly understandable considering all the times folks caught with blow by the cops, when asked, "Is this your cocaine?" almost invariably respond, "Yes, that cocaine is mine, now please give it back, like, yesterday, pig!"

Then Daniel Baldwin shows up on Access Hollywood as a sort of expert rehab consultant, and goes on to say that the only reason he went to rehab was not to get help but, rather, to protect himself from the media so that his career wasn't damaged. Career? Damaged? What, did they pass you over for Guy With Enlarged Prostate Reenactment Person commercial for the latest Avodart campaign again? Listen, putz: In order to damage one's career, said one must have what's called, oh, what is it, a career in the first place. You don't. Are you actually a real Baldwin?

Come on, Lohan. Grow up. Or faster than you can get horsefucked in a hottub with the DV cam rolling, you'll be doing hardcore porn just to make ends meet. (Wink!)

Justice Department Hearings Morph Into Abbot/Costello Routine

"So if I understand you correctly, Mr. Gonzales, you are now answering "yes" to a question the last time you were here you answered "no" to? Do I have that right?"
"No."
"Well, which is it? Yes or no?"
"Which time?"
"With all due respect, Mr. Gonzales, I'm having trouble taking you the least bit seriously at this point."
"Senator, I was dead for 9 months and I never missed a day of work. I just didn't have the heart to tell anyone. So, yeah, I may very well have missed a meeting or 2. Cut me some slack."
"Well, you have given a whole new meaning to the phrase 'tortured logic'. I'll give you that."
"Ha ha ha ha ha!"
"Ha haha ha ha hahaha!"
"Ha ha ha!"
[gallery] "Hahaha haha hahahaha ha!"

Hillabarribeth O'Bamwardston

Man alive. I haven't seen a cat fight this bad since Katie Couric bitchslapped her producer for removing all the little hearts above the i's and j's on the CBS News teleprompter.

Obama criticizes Hillary's support for the invasion of Iraq without having an exit strategy, while Hillary criticizes Obama for agreeing, if president, to sit down with leaders of rogue nations, while Lizzie claims her husband would be a better president for women than Hillary, while John claims that Obama's healthcare program is serious but requires mandates, while Hillary criticizes Lizzie's exploitation of her cancer to get the "sympathy vote" (okay, I made that up), while Bill stands around looking more presidential than our current president (okay, so the highlighter on my desk looks more presidential than our current president). Do I have all that right?

Come on. Elizabeth Edwards is an authentic southern woman, born and bred so. Which means any job she's ever going to have, real or imagined, is going to be, what they call down here in the deep south, a "fake job". It's one of those jobs that allows them to get out of the house for 6 and 1/2 hours, feel vindicated and needed for a bit, and then return home to throw the pork tenderloin in the oven for hubby as soon as he's done mounting the nanny in the guest bedroom.

Hillary, on the other hand, is a fake southern woman by default, but born and bred so, Chicago suburb chick through and through. Which means any job she's ever going to have, real or imagined, she's going to have to do roughly 30 to 35% better than a male colleague would do just to get noticed, and then paid roughly 15 to 20% less. (Hi, Gregor! Those stats aren't real!)

Which is a roundabout way of saying the entire issue is moot simply because this country in 2008 does not elect a black man, or a white woman, or Hillary Clinton. Period.

Opening Your Own Al Qaeda Franchise: Make Thousands A Week Working From Home

Finally: We learn that the al Qaeda operating currently in Iraq is the same as the one that was currently operating in Afghanistan. And that the al Qaeda currently operating in Pakistan is the same as the one that was currently operating in Iran. What bullshit!

Iran's al Qaeda puts paprika in their yogurt sauce and it's served on the side when you order Value Combo #4: Smoked Ram Gonads Surprise. In Pakistan there's no paprika in the sauce and they put it right on the gonads. Come on!

The Iraq one doesn't even have Value Combo #4. And the one in Afghanistan's Value Combo #4 is Fried Horse Vagina. But for the love of god, whatever you do, don't supersize it. Seriously. Hope this helps.

I think that's current events aplenty for one day. On to more substantially pressing matters: Does anyone know if tonight's Big Brother is a Head of Household competition episode? I love those. Some of those questions are really difficult! What memories those kids have!