Wednesday, July 11, 2007

Jerry Potter And The Border Of Phoenix, A Movie Review

Name: Jerry Potter
Occupation: warlock, purveyor of religious relics, epistemological plumber
Assignment: Find out why, when China’s food chain is compromised, the director of their FDA gets his head chopped off, while in America, when our food chain gets compromised, the director of our FDA gets ahead of everyone else in line to announce that there’s a slight “problem” in the kitchen, metaphorically, and then reassigned to lobby for freer trade with China; and to get that one magician guy -- the other one, the one with the green pointy hat; and capture and/or kill all illegal immigrants

Good luck, Jerry! You’re going to need it.

With installment 119 in the Jerry Potter franchise hot off the presses even as we speak with author/writer/warlock herself J.R.R.K. Rowlkein’s ink not even dry yet, Jerry Potter And The Border Of Phoenix “soars” into theaters faster than you can turn a frog into an eagle and water into apple juice, or sneak across the Rio Grande with nothing but the shirt on your back, which, it turns out, is stuffed with cannabis, cocoa leaves, bubonic plague and a secret alien space zombie disease that turns everyone’s skin darker, leaving audiences breathless for that movie “magic” that will have you “cursing” that you’ve already read the book 3 times and don’t recognize any of the characters because there’s no possible way in hell any team of screenwriters no matter what can rise to the level of manic and crazed “Pottermania” surrounding these books that “Potterheads” torture all those around them with, chortling gaily. Guilty as charged!

But that won’t stop this filmmaking “wizardry”!

Everybody’s back, kids. And I do mean everybody. Including even those not killed off yet in the finale. Even Jerry himself, who gets hit by a runaway garbage truck 113 pages into the last book. !!!SPOILER ALERT!!!.

Re-reprising their roles are Danny Ratclift (Jerry Potter And The Giblet Of Corn, Jerry Potter And The Sunshine Of Your Love, Jerry Potter And The Tomb Of The Unknown Sailor, Jerry Potter Versus Frankenstein), Ralph von Williams-Fine (Jerry Potter And The Gauntlet Of Fear, English Patience, Made In New York, Seems All I Do Is Garden Any More, Full House [Episode 155: “Could This Be Any Not Funnier” {pharmacist #2}], Schindler’s Liszt), Jackie Gleeson (Jerry Potter And The Goblin In The Foyer, Troy Boy Toy, Code: Mountain!, Artificially Intelligent, 28 Days Later In Rehab), George Harrison (Black Guy Down, the steamer captain in Dr. Jones And The Ark Of The Convent), Gary Oldham (Batman Starts In, Element # 5, An Air Force Of One, Hi I’m Beethoven), David Threwlist (Jerry Potter And The Presenter Of Afghanistan, Omen 4: The Remaking, Basic Instinct Too, A Whole New World, Kingdom Haven, All My Invisible Children), Margaret Smith (Jerry Potter And The Mob Let Us Drive Her, Divided Secrets Of The Yo Yo Sisters Thing, God’s Ford Parked, Clash Of The Titanic [face/voice of giant stone head laying/talking on temple floor]), Emmy Watsin (Jerry Potter And The Chamber Of Sucrets, Who’s The Boss [Episode 190: “Allissa Milano Will End Up Doing Softcore”{ Sam’s British exchange student friend/meth addict}]), Isaac Jameson (Jerry Potter And The Hobbit Seer, Metallica’s “Nothing Else Matters” video [Faust]), Mike Zamboni (Jerry Potter And Something Something, Good Shepherd Lutheran Church), Allen Richman (Jerry Potter And The Printer At AskMen, Die Hard 1, Pride And Sensibilities), Irma Thomson [note: Okay, what fucking limey isn’t in this goddamn movie? Whatever!] (Jerry Potter And The Pilsner Of Allentown, Stronger Than Friction, The Day Remains The Same, Nothing Much To Do About), Ellen John-Bonham-Carter (That’s One Big Fish There!, Fight Clubbing, Room With A View And WiFi, Hollywood Squares [the coveted lower left corner, no less]), and John Coltrane (Harry Potter And The Goblet Of Fire [… uhh…], The 12 Oceans, Never Say The World Is Never Enough Again, Finder Of Lost Loves [Episode 17: “My High School Sweetheart Of 10 Years Ago Is A Pool Boy Now? What A Loser!” {Dr. Juan Xavier Manolta}]) as, respectively, Jerry Potter, Lord Valdamont, Alisdair Cooke, King Shacklebot, Sirius Blacky, Rufus Leamin, Merlina McDoogle, Hormone Grainger, Luscious Malroy, Albert Drimbledon, Chevron Shares, Cybil Treelooney, Battleaxe Lestat, and Rubin Haygood.

Add the fact that there’s even some classic footage of Lawrence Olivia and Burton Richards in there, and you can pretty much assume that the BBC was practically shut down in its entirety for about 9 months and counting. But this isn’t your father’s sorcerer’s apprentice!

“Hold on there, Pedro. I’m going to need to see that green card of yours before I pack 78 of you in the back of my 18-wheeler like wholesale nursery shrubs, because if you can’t make a profit in the peddling of human flesh and bones, you’re not selling the right rat race, literally.”

It’s spictacular!

And that’s when it happens. Amnesty. And before you can clean a hotel room from top to bottom and throw together a plate of Kung Pow Chicken at your favorite local Chinese restaurant, every last job not even a black person in the south would do is scooped up by the little brown devils, and our economy hums right along with the needs of the market, as it should be. Still, I think we’re gonna need a taller fence. Or, you know, a fence.

But I wouldn’t want to give away too many secrets!

Folks, in these times of racial stress and social classifying, we don’t want movies like Jerry Potter And The Border Of Phoenix. We need movies like Jerry Potter And The Border Of Phoenix, if for no other reason than I’d stock up on my vacuum cleaners, day-after pills and coat hangers, ladies. Because if Scalia keeps pounding on Roberts to precedent-ize Roe v. Wade, Tony’s going to be telling you just exactly what you can and cannot do with your own bodies. Because if the ACLU is so busy defending The Bill Of Rights, who’s defending The Constitution? Think about it.

Give me a break. It’s only hate speech if you’re not doing it right.