Paris Hilton

I've certainly made no secret on these very boards of the fact that I adore the elder Hilton sister, long before the alleged sex tape scandal broke out like a crab lice investation, I might add. (Yes, Nicky is a beautiful girl, and probably the smarter of the 2. But she just doesn't seem to have Paris'... elegance. Or acting chops. [When Paris' character in House of Wax gets a spike driven into the back of her head and it comes out her left eyeball, you really do believe she's dead. Stunning work.])

I can certainly understand that some folks don't like her. She represents, for the vast majority, the worst in decadence, superficiality and tastelessness. (Though I'd like to note that she actually has great taste in fashion and all of its related blingery and whatnot.) And being handed everything you've ever wanted your entire life probably isn't going to make for a very good work ethic, is it?

The problem with that line of reasoning is that she's actually got a tremendous work ethic. I was a devoted fan of the first season of The Simple Life, which was, on many occasions, hilarious, if a touch on the cruel side from time to time. And if I'm not mistaken, she's helped significantly with Nicky's line of handbags, both financially and creatively. And I won't even mention how strenuous the art of being famous for being famous is.

But is she being treated differently because of her fame and reputation? Of course she is. By virtue of her reputation alone, she's being treated worse. If a black kid had committed the same alleged crimes she did, they'd send him home without so much as a slap on the wrist. What do they do to Paris? Kick down the door, cuff her, haul her off to jail, take away her hair extensions and throw her into solitary without so much as a pager.

The judge is being a dick. He's being a dick because he can, which, it turns out, is exactly what he's punishing Paris for, namely, she does stuff because she can. More power to her, if you ask me.

But this judge's fast and loose playing with "the rules" might very well constitute a severe miscarriage of justice. The courtroom is neither the time nor the place to assert one's own sexual value system on another, especially when it involves celebrity of any kind in any sense. If he wants to get back at the cheerleader who laughed at him when he asked her to go to the May Day Dance in high school, that really needs to be done on his own time, not when he's on the taxpayers' dime.

Want someone to be tossed in the clink and the key thrown away? There's always Mike and Dina Lohan. They make Paris' folks look like Steven and Elyse Keaton by comparison.

Stop punishing Paris Hilton for being beautiful, America. Today we're all ugly.

Coming soon: "NBC's Age of Love"

Bring back the star system
Checkmarks are hard
Appends won't mean dick
Till you ban the retards!