Wednesday, June 06, 2007

Goddamn Hockey

So it's Monday night. I've just taken my Totino's Pizza Rolls out of the microwave and lovingly placed them on a paper plate with ketchup for dipping sauce. I saunter excitedly into the TV room to absorb yet another episode of The Real Wedding Crashers on NBC, "The Hope Network", the network that brought you Massacre At Virginia Tech. And what instead greets my hungry eyes? Fucking hockey.

Hockey. It's not even a real sport. There I was, parked comfortably in my recliner, looking forward to various & sundry reception hijinks that usually involve mistaken identity, double entendres, and misapplied affection or inappropriate forwardness. But instead I get a fake athletic competition on ice splattered all over my Emerson Trinitron like blood-tinged spit after a poorly executed body check.

Listen, boneheads. If you're going to preempt one of the best reality shows since Melrose Place with a special sports presentation, it had better damn well be Online With Halo All Stars, or something involving thongs and peanut butter, not with a sport that was invented primarily to keep our brothers to the north distracted from common law marriages and ice fishing.

It verges on the unchristian.

Hey NBC. !!!Newsflash!!! Nobody watches hockey. Especially when it's up against Celebrity Scrabble, airing Tuesday nights on The Learning Channel. It's called "Sweeps Week" for a reason, laser brains. Try it.

Hockey? Whatever! Now get it the heck off of my television set, like, immediately.

(This post brought to you courtesy of baiting bacon. [The poster, not the food item.])

2 comments:

Schadenfreude said...

Dude, you opened up comments.

Was that deliberate?

Hockey is a sport, in that you can't really do it if you're drunk or stoned (unless you're Derek Sanderson), unlike certain other "sports" like...oh, I dunno...snowboarding.

Dawn Coyote said...

Cool. How'd that happen? Is skitch in there, tweaking the code?

So I'm at the Mac Market to replace the power cord for my laptop for the third fucking time, and the place is closed, but of course they let me in anyway, because they're mac people, right? Would that have happened at Circuit City? I don't fucking think so. The woman is writing me up an invoice and the hockey game is on one of the monitors. This guy starts doing a comedy routine about how could you possibly name a team the "Anaheim Ducks", and remember when Fox had hockey, and they got that puck with the red flashing lights in it, so that you saw a red streak tracking across the ice, because Americans are somehow hockey impaired and can't see the puck? Then he started in on the way American tourists come through the wilderness where he's from on a train to go wildlife watching, only the train scares away all the wildlife. "Where are you from," someone asked him. "Northern Manitoba," he said. It was surreal. The woman and I were laughing and laughing, but probably not for the same reasons.

How does one "saunter excitedly"? I thought a saunter, by its very nature, was too chilled to reveal any excitement on the part of the saunterer, whether he or she felt any actual excitment or not. It's like saying someone "ambled nervously." It just doesn't make sense.