NBC's Age Of Love Finale Sweeps Me Off My Feet!

What a night! A veritable roller coaster ride of emotional kidnapping. I haven't been that psychologically exhausted since this year's Daytime Emmy Awards, when Oprah accidentally thanked herself, and she hadn't even won anything!

I.e., I certainly didn't see that coming from a mile away, namely, that he'd choose the 25-year old over the 48-year old in this sex-charged game of sociological hacky sack. !!!SURPRISE ALERT!!!

What a ride! I laughed. I cried. The dog threw up over there in the corner that one time. It was like falling in love all over again, but with a semi-imaginary person on my TV.

Yet through all the tears, all the ups and downs, all the magic of editing, all the cat fights and hair pulling and pissing contests and fuck teases, some even on the show, I managed, in spite of myself no less, to learn a thing or 3 along the way. Here are but a few

-A lot of professional tennis players are dorky and retarded.

-Australia is a country surrounded on all sides by water, a "fun fact" he pointed out during his brief "Down Under For Dummies" history lesson for the ladies.

-A lot of single women will say anything not to sound vapid and stupid, and yet they still manage to sound that way.

-A lot of professional tennis players have never been to college, and some don't even have much of a high school education. And it really comes through with perfect clarity.

-It's not that women hate each other; it's that some women are insecure and they hate themselves, which they then project onto other women.

-When you play Queen's "Another One Bites The Dust" backwards, it sounds like Freddie Mercury is saying, "Some of us smoke marijuana." Which is tantamount to saying that when you play Pat Boone covering "Something In The Way She Moves" backwards, it sounds like Pat's saying, "This version could kill a rabid elephant on steroids," when you really think about it.

-It's not that men are complete assholes; it's that some men are better at hiding that fact than others.

-Youth may indeed be wasted on the young, but sometimes the experience of age is squandered on the older.

-A lot of professional tennis players have to have their own name tattooed onto there palm so that they spell it correctly when they have to sign those giant Publisher's Clearinghouse-esque checks.

-Mark Consuelos has an almost eerie and inexplicably creepy grasp of the obvious.

-Never under any circumstances should you ever try to remove the sticky "Security Device Enclosed" thingie from your brand spankin' new Eight Is Enough, Season 4 DVD while stoned.

Publishers don't have clearinghouses; they have slush piles; and those aren't so much slush piles as they are interns' desks.

-Money might not buy you love, but it sure does, on occasion, bring you at least some semblance of it. And sometimes that's just going to have to be enough for now.

They'll go out on 3 dates, she'll realize he's just another boring doofus who's bad in bed, and they'll never see each other again. Or am I projecting?

Coming next week: FOX's Hell's Kitchen, A Real Barn-Burner!